Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, The Rock was a gigantic asshole, Chris Benoit made short work of A-Train, the FBI lost easily, Matt Hardy pinned the Cruiserweight Champion, Big Show returned from the void and Brock Lesnar got played like a fiddle. You can watch No Way Out here. Next Big Thing!
POP: Die Hardy
Welcome, one and all, to No Way Out ’03! We’re starting off with some Brazilian Pixar mockbuster-ass CGI, so I’d say we’re in for quite a show. Also, JR’s not here and Coach is doing play-by-play. Wonderful. Our opening contest pits Raw’s Jeff Hardy against everyone’s favorite early 2000s pain-in-the-ass heel, Chris Jericho. Remember, Jericho’s currently locked in a feud with HBK, so this should help give him some momentum heading into ‘Mania. We’re in Montreal tonight (I’ll get to that in a sec), and they greet Jericho like he ended world hunger. There’s two big highlights: One, Jeff’s barricade run. That spot always rules. Two, the debut of the Codebreaker, four years early. Jeff rebounds off the ropes, comes to a halt, and hits a Codebreaker. ON Jericho. Go figure.
The first half is more or less a house-show affair, though they pick up quite a bit near the end. Jeff escapes the Walls and hits the Swanton Bomb, but Chris gets his foot on the bottom rope. Jeff later misses a second Swanton, allowing Jericho to land the Lionsault for a nearfall. Jericho goes up top (not sure why, he doesn’t have any diving moves) and Hardy follows him for a Frankensteiner, but Chris reverses into an avalanche powerbomb and locks in the Walls for the tapout. Neat little opener! Jericho doesn’t break the hold, so Shawn runs down, followed by Christian. Shawn beats up the heels and stands tall in Montreal. They don’t seem to like him very much.
Jeff later runs into his much more successful brother Matt, but Matt’s an asshole, so Jeff smacks him in the face. Hope you’re not a huge Jeff Hardy mark, cause this is the last we’ll see of him. By April, Jeff will be out of the company, and this marks his final WWE PPV appearance until 2006. Jeff was failing drug tests, blowing spots, showing up late or downright no-showing, so it was probably for the best. He’d go on to have many (many, many, many, many, many) ups and downs through the rest of his career. However, awful bumps aside, he seems to have found his groove again in recent years and is currently doing pretty well for himself! Good luck out in the wild, Jeff. We wish our favorite weirdo the best.
LITERAL BOTCH: Lucky Montreal
Last month at Royal Rumble, ineffective heels William Regal and Lance Storm dropped the tag straps to the Dudleyz. They won them back the following night. Now, they must defend against the babyface super-team of Rob Van Dam and Kane. I presume these two bonded over their shared history of taking Ls to Triple H. Van Dam and Kane would absolutely win a Dusty Classic, by the way. What would a 2003 Dusty Cup even look like? I know, I’m getting off-track, I just don’t wanna talk about the Raw tag division. Storm, Van Dam, Regal and Kane could probably have a baller tag match, and this one starts off pretty good. And then it falls off a cliff. Kane tags in and bodyslams Regal, who gets knocked out. Off a bodyslam. Two minutes in.
Kane tries to scoop Regal off the mat and his body goes limp. They manage to get Lance to tag in without much trouble, but it’s a terrifying couple of seconds. They show the replay, and you can see Regal landed headfirst, I reiterate, OFF A BODYSLAM. Regal shakes it off, tags back in and keeps going just fine (if a little groggy), which is downright unbelievable. I think the crowd starts to chant his name, even. They manage to bounce back somewhat and have a standard Raw tag with a creative bullshit finish. Lance jumps on Kane’s back, turns his mask sideways and pushes RVD against him. A blind Kane chokeslams his own partner, leaving Regal to cover Van Dam for the win. What a dumbass. Regal and Storm survive another day…
…Well, no, not exactly. Regal had already been suffering from poor health leading up to this match, and the botched bodyslam wound up concussing him. Once Regal got that checked, he discovered that not only was he concussed, he had also contracted a heart parasite. Yes, a HEART parasite. Sheesh. Understandably, this kept Regal out of the ring for over a year, so it’s the last time we’ll see him, too. As for the Raw tag division, the titles were vacated on the go-home to Mania and Chief Morley awarded himself the championship alongside Storm. They proceeded to defend the belts against RVD and Kane on the Sunday Night Heat prior to Mania (thanks to a Dudley Boyz heel turn) and dropped the belts to Kane and Van Dam the following Raw after holding them for exactly one week. There is not a single encouraging word in this entire paragraph.
But that’s not all! No sir, it is not, because this PPV’s fucking cursed. Have any of you watched Wrestlemania XIX before? You ever notice how Edge isn’t booked? Great news, he’s injured. Guess who else we won’t be seeing again. As it happens, way back in September, during his No-DQ match with Eddie, Edge took some really bad bumps. In the following months, Edge’s condition worsened and his arms started going numb. Fearing he might injure an opponent, Edge decided to go through neck surgery, and he wouldn’t return until 2004. To write him off the show, Team Angle attack him backstage before the 6-man tag. Obviously, this was for the best, and Edge came back big time, becoming one of the biggest stars of the 2000s as well as one of the greatest and most accomplished heels in WWE history. And he’s still kicking ass.
…Matt Hardy MIGHT wanna keep an eye on him, though.
SLIGHT POP: The Mattleweight Division
Speaking of, Great Cruiserweight Matt Hardy has dropped the pounds, and he’s ready to challenge Billy Kidman for the title. Now, obviously, I’m in love with the idea of Matt Hardy losing to Billy Kidman so many times he becomes a Cruiserweight and challenges for the title. That said… I do feel like we could’ve gotten a little more juice out of this angle. Maybe a couple more weeks of Matt running the treadmill, see what they come up with. Either way, I’m glad Billy’s defending that belt, it’s only been like two months since last time. Our Matt Facts for the day? “MATT IS ANNOYED BY SNOW & ICE” (there’s a blizzard outside the arena, you see) and “MATT TAKES HOT TEA WITH MILK & SWEETENER”. Commentary notes that Matt’s been bulking since he made weight, cause I guess they don’t weigh you the day of.
Matt and Billy start off surprisingly slow here, as Matt works on top. Really feels like Billy should be the one setting the pace with Hardy trying to keep up, but no, Matt just does rest holds. The match tries to pick up, but the crowd is already dead, so it’s an uphill climb. Billy gets a nearfall off a jackknife cover (same one he used to beat Matt two weeks ago, recall), gets rid of Shannon and goes up top for the SSP. This finally awakens the crowd from deep sleep, but unfortunately for Billy, Matt avoids it and lands Twist of Fate… for two! Billy gets Matt into position for another SSP, but a distraction from Moore allows Matt to hit an Avalanche Twist of Fate for the win.
Matt Hardy Version 1: Cruiserweight Champion. Mattitude in action, folks.
BOTCH: No Big Deal
POP: FALSE ALARM BIG DEAL BIG DEAL
Four months ago, Big Show made his SmackDown debut by tossing the Undertaker off the stage. This kept Taker out of action until the Rumble, and once he returned, his first course of action was revenge. Big Show, meanwhile, decided to duck Taker and fuck off for a while. He sent Undertaker a bunch of apology gifts: Brian Kendrick, Brother Love, Kanyon dressed as Boy George, and a puppy. Red hot build, this one. Taker goes after Show on the outside, hits the apron legdrop and grabs a chair. Before he can get himself DQ’d like an idiot, Show punches the chair into his face. How embarrassing. Show lands a great vertical suplex, don’t see him do that every day, and then he hits a bunch of elbow drops. None of this is particularly exciting.
I can’t imagine these two having a barn burner, but maaaaaybe they could’ve turned the intensity up a notch. It has the elements of a grudge match, but they’re so low-energy for most of it, it never really feels like one. Taker escapes a bearhug and uses Show’s head as a pear ball, which is very funny. Show doesn’t even get his hands up, he’s like Homer in there. Show busts Taker open with some headbutts and the crowd pops for Taker’s comeback, so that’s a plus. Taker signals for the chokeslam and fails twice, obviously, but he does kick Show in the dick after a mini ref bump. Taker then goes for the Last Ride, because he’s really, really stupid. Show tries some sort of military press and Taker floats over into the TCB (which is a Dragon Sleeper, because I know you forgot), but Heyman distracts the ref.
A-Train shows up as well, while we’re at it. Realizing the impending threat of A-Train, Taker runs the ropes and hits the Oh Jesus Oh Fuck Dive. Thankfully, Train catches him. Be careful with that dive, Mark, I’m telling you. Taker gets back in and signals for the finish, and the crowd comes unglued, but Big Show catches him with a Chokeslam. He tries to pin Taker, but gets caught with the Shane McMahon Special: a shitty Triangle Choke. Taker wins, putting Show to sleep with his awful submission. No, not TCB, the other one. He’ll get a good submission someday, don’t worry. Taker tries to get some payback with a steel chair, but A-Train attacks. Are we seriously getting Undertaker vs. A-Train at Mania? No dear reader, we’re getting something even worse.
POP: Wolverine & Beast
LITERAL BOTCH: oh come on
Due to Edge’s injury, Benoit and Brock must now wrestle Team Angle in a 2-on-3 Handicap match. Stephanie told them that they could choose another partner, but they decided to try their luck. What, Rey wasn’t in the building? Eddie? Chavo? Nunzio? Anybody? We start with some great work between all four, yes, four, as Angle refuses to tag in. He gets in there once Brock is down, and he keeps Brock down with the same sleeper Cena used a few weeks back. This will become important later. Brock breaks out of it and tags Benoit, who runs roughshod over Team Angle. I’m beginning to notice Benoit was sneakily one of the best hot tags of all time. It’s a simple formula, take Benoit’s penchant for going a thousand miles an hour and have him destroy multiple people in a row. There, easy pop.
Team Angle eventually regain control over Benoit and we get a fantastic reversal sequence between him and Angle. Still can’t believe we’re not getting any more matches between these two. The heels get heat on Benoit for a while, leading to, you guessed it, Brock’s hot tag. Same logic applies, and JESUS Brock is good at these. He’s bouncing three guys at once, dude’s just a bull. Team Angle get rid of Brock before he can properly F5 Kurt, leaving the champ in there with Benoit. Angle and Benoit decide to do a beautiful submission reversal sequence, because it is their nature. Angle eventually tries to get himself DQ’d, but ends up falling to an F5 as Benoit taps Charlie out. Keep these Team Angle handicaps coming, they’re two for two so far.
Oh wait, almost forgot, how’s the show so far? Jeff Hardy’s last PPV, Regal gets concussed, heart parasite, Edge injury… and oh yeah also Kurt Angle breaks his neck. No, I’m not kidding. When Brock escapes the sleeper, he accidentally rams Kurt headfirst into the turnbuckle. You can see his head ricochet. As told by Kurt on the Steve Austin Show, this broke three different vertebras and Kurt couldn’t raise his left arm the following day. Now, Kurt Angle and broken necks is nothing new, but it’s this injury that will keep him out of action for a large chunk of 2003 and beyond. It’s a miracle he even makes it to Wrestlemania. Just… fucking Montreal, man.
BOTCH: The OTHER Scott Steiner Tragedy of 2003
This show hates me. Let’s recap: Scott Steiner showed up, signed with Raw, got a world title match. He won via DQ, match sucked dick, now we get another one. During the build, Triple H enlisted the help of Randy Orton and Batista to form his own faction. Meet Evolution, Triple H’s newest group, one that would shape the very top of WWE for years to come. Perhaps the one shining beacon on Triple H’s reign of terror, Evolution became the launching pad for two of the biggest stars of the 2000s… well, sort of. Randy didn’t quite stick the landing at first. Nonetheless, it’s inarguably one of the most important stables in WWE history, and it began with the Scott Steiner feud. If you really think about it, you can thank Scott Steiner for Batista’s career!
Triple H is accompanied only by Flair, which means we’re absolutely getting run-ins from the other two. I refuse to believe this will be worse than HHH/Steiner Part 1, might just be my inherent naivete. Trips comes in with a leg injury, so I’m expecting Scott to win this with a double kneebar. Of course, Montreal is BIZARRO LAND MAGGLE, meaning the crowd boos Steiner and cheers Hunter. Steiner spends a while methodically working the leg (yes, really) meaning they boo a lot. Scott kicks Trips’ leg and falls flat on his ass, a Steiner classic. Scotty gets HHH in the Figure Four while the crowd chants “STEINER SUCKS”, and when Flair rakes Scott’s eyes, the crowd cheers. Then they start yelling “YOU SCREWED BRET” at Earl Hebner. And then a “BORING” chant. Things are not working as intended.
After some back-and-forth, Trips tries to pin Steiner with his feet on the ropes to a huge pop. Hebner notices and stops the count, and the crowd boos. Then Triple H shoves Earl in an attempt to get DQ’d. That’s right, the heel shoves Earl Hebner IN MONTREAL. It’s a failure on every level. Hebner fights back (boo!) allowing Steiner to get back in control (BOO!). They fuck up an Irish Whip, and Scotty goes back to the ol’ belly-to-belly. This is better than Royal Rumble, in the same sense that getting run over is better than getting shot. Steiner lands an avalanche… Angle Slam? Samoan Drop? Torture rack? Either way, Flair pulls him out of the cover. Scott ignores the old man and locks Trips in the Steiner Recliner, and that’s Evolution’s cue to run down.
Steiner deals with the cronies and ALMOST falls to a Pedigree, which might’ve been the pop of the night. Unfortunately FORTUNATELY Scott walks right into a belt shot while Earl is distracted, but kicks out at two. Triple H nails Scott with the Pedigree, and after 13 minutes, Scott Steiner’s main event run comes to a climactic end. “Climactic” as in “you somehow made people cheer for 2003 Triple H”. Please note, Scott Steiner’s main event run did not main event either PPV. I would recommend you watch this match if you like to see things crumple up and die, it’s a pretty entertaining experience. Lucky for me, Triple H’s reign cannot get any worse.
But it can try.
POP: Bischoff More Than You Can Chew
That might be my worst pun yet. A month ago, on Raw, Vince McMahon yelled at Eric Bischoff about how much Raw sucks. It’s always a good sign when the people on the shows start discussing how awful their shows are. Vince gave Bischoff thirty days to fix Raw, or else he’d be fired. You know how to fix Raw? Dusty Classic. Hire me. In desperation, Bischoff resorted to the nuclear option: signing Stone Cold Steve Austin. Alas, Austin didn’t forget about that time Bischoff fired him via phone call while injured, so he kinda sorta hates Bischoff’s guts. Since Bischoff couldn’t sign Austin, he was fired and replaced by Shane McM—HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE, I’ve just been told that Stone Cold will wrestle Eric Bischoff at No Way Out! In preparation, Bischoff used martial arts and a cinderblock to kill Jim Ross. Good luck with Austin, brother.
Earlier in the show, Vince tells Bischoff that whoever interferes will be fired on the spot. JR makes his long-awaited return to the commentary booth for this match, and it’s been too long. Actually, it’s been two hours, but this show felt way longer. In case you missed it, Austin left WWE in June of 2002 after being asked to lose to Brock Lesnar in a King of the Ring qualifying match on TV. Austin seemed generally frustrated with creative, and he was particularly against the idea of booking a match like that with no build, so he just… up and left. He no-showed Raw, and he stayed home. WWE openly buried his ass for this, but he and the company resolved their differences and they brought him back for one last run. And I mean it, this is Steve Austin’s final run, in-ring.
Bischoff grabs a mic and suggests a forfeit, but Austin didn’t come all this way not to kick somebody’s ass. Austin’s out here in jorts, kneepads and braces, just an incredible look. He kicks Bischoff’s ass thoroughly. Bischoff tries to get some kicks in and Steve gives him the biggest shit-eating grin I’ve ever seen from him. Austin inevitably hits the Stunner, but keeps pulling Bischoff’s shoulder off the mat. Therefore, Bischoff kicks out of two Stunners, for God’s sakes! One more for the road, and Stone Cole is home. I could be an asshole about this and complain that they booked Steve Austin vs. Eric Bischoff instead of X, Y or Z, but I’m not going to. Steve Austin’s back, Bischoff got his ass kicked, the crowd went ballistic and it went four minutes. One last Stunner post-match, give ‘em a hell yeah.
BOTCH: Twice in A Lifetime
Almost a year ago at Wrestlemania, The Rock and Hulk Hogan clashed in Canada. At the time, it was the face of the WWF fighting off the leader of the nWo, a historic encounter. Almost a year has passed; both men won the WWE Championship, lost to Brock Lesnar and disappeared. Hogan returned after the Rumble and asked for a match against Vince McMahon, only to be met once again by Rock. Hollywood Rock. The Rock has found success outside of pro-wrestling, and it really shows. Crowds hate him, he looks like an idiot, and he acts like an asshole. That’s really all there is to it. This is not only Rock’s first match back since SummerSlam, but it’s also the debut of the OUTSTANDING Hollywood Rock theme song. That alone is worth mentioning, but this is the first version, which includes some… very interesting sound clips.
All that build-up, all for that. Rock stalls on the outside, and I can’t help but overhear Michael Cole call him “a six-year pro”. Which is true. By 2003, at the twilight of his wrestling career, Rocky had only been wrestling for six years and change. It’s bewildering. Hogan eventually catches up to Rock and they have the biggest, goofiest, hokiest match they possibly can. Take a shot for every haymaker, you will die. Rock lands a Rock Bottom for two, and I’m pretty sure there was a time when people didn’t kick out of that. He puts Hogan’s durag on and starts whipping him with the weight belt, which somehow isn’t a DQ, but Hogan quickly gets back at him. Rocky eventually brings back the worst Sharpshooter in the game, which should be punishable by law in Montreal.
Hogan breaks out of the Sharpshooter and smashes Rock with a chair in full view of the ref. Okay then, so we’re doing New Japan reffing, I see how it is. Rocky punches Hogan in the dick while the ref is distracted (what’s he gonna do, DQ him?) and hits the People’s Elbow. And then another one with some stank on it, just for kicks. Hogan powers out and starts shaking around, so if I’m Rock, this is where I punch him repeatedly while he no-sells my offense. Hulk up, big boot, leg drop, one, two… and the lights go out. When they come back on, the ref is knocked out. Vince makes his entrance and walks down the ramp, distracting Hogan while the ref passes Rock a chair. Chairshot to the head, Rock Bottom, ref gets up, counts the fall. Hogan’s been screwed!
Well, I don’t know if you noticed, but this ref is awfully jacked! That’s not your average referee, it’s that dirty Canuck wrestler Sylvain Grenier. Come on, don’t tell me you don’t remember Sylvain Grenier. This dude is a 4-time Raw World Tag Team Champion. I am dead serious. It turns out the unusually buff referee was in cahoots with Vince McMahon and The Rock all along, which begs the question, what the fuck was the point of the fake-out. If the ref was in on the whole thing, why didn’t he just hand Rock a chair immediately and go to town? Did you really need to confuse Hogan before you fucked him over? I will say… this was definitely a Hulk Hogan match. Vince isn’t done with the Hulkster, so he runs back in to mock him with a dumb shirt.
Mania’s next month, thought I should mention that.
And that’s our show! Join us next time, as Eddie Guerrero takes on Nunzio, Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore meet Benoit and a wild mystery partner, Brian Kendrick battles Kurt Angle in a Five-Minute Challenge and Brock Lesnar meets the WWE Tag Team Champions in a two-on-one Handicap. Wouldn’t want to be Team Angle. Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
