IT’S WEDNESDAY NIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Bumbuhdadaaaaah!
Ladies and gentlemen! I know the rumor mill has been hot, that Meltzer has been frothing like hot cocoa on a cold winter morn and that my mom has been waiting for this day since I was born. But the scuttlebutt is true! I have taken on the heroic role of recapping AEW Dynamite for all of you! Since it’s inception, I haven’t missed a single episode. That’s really just a testament to the power of DVR but whatever, I digress.
I’m not sure which format I’m going to brew up, whether it’s a straight review, a Pops and Botches, Best/Worst, a Non-Raw Recapitulation, a Hoser’s Highlights, or a Wednesday Wrap-up so please bear with me and I promise, we’ll get through this together! I’m going to try and rate the segments on a scale of 1-4 SteelRingPosts, however. Also, don’t forget to share it with all your followers on the socials because neither of my followers even likes me! Hopefully, I can live up to the high standard your other contributors have set and not let you down! Alright, alright, shut up new guy. Let’s read some rasslin’!
I don’t know if you heard but Beach Break has come and gone in the dead of winter and if you already forgot what happened last week, check out Alison’s quick recap over in the amazing AEW Dark Pops & Botches! It’s a big week for me, obviously, but also for our friends in Jacksonville as we get a Championship match on free TV!
POP: Bad Boys Gone Good
Darby comes out and his half-face paint is starting to leak down his body, for now ending just under his left nipple which means it covers half of his chest tattoo. What could Nothi Til Und possibly even mean?? He also painted “Champ” on his face just in case they have to identify his body later. I mean, not that they would need to identify his body later, right? Right?
Anyway, the match kicks off with … chain wrestling? Why the hell is there wrestling on this wrestling program?! Immediately after a collar & elbow tie up, Janela’s nose is as red as Rudolph’s on Christmas Eve. Darby flies around the ring in his college girl short skirt and tights combo and dropkicks Janela out to the apron. Janela drops him face first onto the “hardest surface out here” (h/t JR). It’s cool Jim, we’ll just pretend that there’s not a single SteelRingPost surrounding the ring. Joey then hits Allin with the most Lisa Frank Tope Suicida any of us will ever see. I can’t find a good GIF of it but just look at this pic and imagine those pants flying at you.
*Quick sidebar, Your Honor* – I just love how much the crowd, albeit smaller than normal, loves Darby Allin. The first real homegrown star for AEW and it’s awesome to see.
Allin ends up focusing on the shoulder throughout most of the match. He again hurtles his body, going at least 858 mph, at Janela on the outside. They get back in the ring and Allin eats a vicious thrust kick. Janela makes the mistake of admiring the new TNT title a little too long so Darby makes him pay by jerking his shoulder to the mat then bitch slapping him a few times when he gets up. After tiring Aubrey’s arms out with a couple of false finishes, Janela hits a quick piledriver for, get this, a count of two (twooooooo!).
Janela tries to get a superplex in but can’t lift any of Darby’s 97 pounds because of the previously targeted shoulder. Darby decides this is a good moment to smash a Code Red (brought to you by Mt. Dew) on Janela. This couldn’t possibly put the Bad Bunny Boy down, so he gives Janela a hammerlock slam onto his bad shoulder then the Coffin Drop and Darby has his ninth straight win in singles competition. What a man.
Team Taz proves to be a bunch of punk-ass liars and didn’t show up once in the match after promising they’d make their presence felt in this match. Not in the ring, not on the ramp, not even in a pre-recorded video on the big screen. I’m not mad at you Taz. I’m just disappointed…kinda like Darby’s mom.
I really enjoyed this match. I love Darby’s low dropkicks and Janela was able to hang with him and look really good in defeat.
Rating – 3 SRPs
BOTCH: Red Fence District
Moxley can’t seem to enter the stadium on time again so he cuts his generic promo in the parking lot. His ability to find a fence illuminated with a red light is incredible. He calls his newest rival a dork and I’m very confused because when I call people a dork, they always look at me like I’m seven or ask me if I know that a dork is just a whale’s penis. I STAND BY WHAT I SAID. Moxley slings the IWGP US Heavyweight title on his shoulder but that thing must be so dang heavy because he only holds it up for maybe three seconds. He tries again a few moments later but it only lasts 1 ½ seconds before he drops it to his side again! Seems hefty. I hope Jon hits the weights soon so he can lift that title over his head one day. Mox reminds us that their upcoming championship match is sanctioned but tonight….no, tonight is different. Tonight’s Falls Count Anywhere, No-DQ match is just for fun. Hold onto your butts, everybody.
Again, it’s just a generic Jon Moxley Interview. I really love Mox but I really dislove his parking lot promos.
Rating – ½ an SRP
POP? BOTCH? POTCH?: Guevarus Interruptus
Sammy Guevara interrupts MJF holding a meeting with Santana, Ortiz, Hager and Wardlow. He demands to talk to Max alone. The rest of the guys walk out with a quick glance toward MJF to make sure he’s okay. Wardlow tries to kick it but ends up kicked out. Because Sammy loves us, he tells the cameraman he can stay. Sammy is tired of Max’s bullshit and tells him so. MJF not-so-subtly sets his phone on the table (obviously so he can use his hands to talk to Sammy and definitely not to record the conversation) but rightly points out that MJF killed Le Sex Gods when he joined the Inner Circle.
He accuses Sammy of not only being jealous but also of HATING Chris Jericho and wanting to take over the Inner Circle. MJF says that he just wanted to hear Sammy say it and when he does (although sarcastically), he picks up his phone to leave. Sammy is very well aware that Florida is a two-party consent state so he snatches that phone straight from MJF’s hand and throws it at the wall before decking MJF in the stomach. So much for your secret recording, MJF. Maybe you should have realized Sammy already told a cameraman to stay. The cameras record, MAX! I really am curious about what type of phone MJF uses though, because not only did the phone not break but the wall didn’t either. Immovable Object vs Unstoppable Force indeed.
Face Sammy is going to be so sweet but damn, did we pull the trigger on Sammy Hager too soon.
Rating – 1 ½ SRPs
BOTCH: Shotty is No Longer Shoddy
The announce team introduces us to a special guest in the stands. This little bearded fella is apparently Brock, the young son of The Enforcer, Coach Arn Anderson. Cody goes out of his way to shake Brock’s hand. JR and Tony then bury young Brock before his career can even get started. JR says his face belongs on a can of beef stew. Schiavone hints that he looks like Ole and Arn. I’m not sure if he means he has features of both or if he’s vaguely telling us that Brock is their love child. Tune in next week, folks!
For most of the first half of the match, Cody gets a beating. Avalononi targets his shoulder. Big Shotty Lee Johnson (any relation to Big Swole?) gets the hot tag and flies all over the place. Pretty Peter literally runs into a kick. Johnson hits Sweet Rib Music and follows it up with a fisherman’s neckbreaker. Bononi also likes breaking things so he breaks up the pin and dispatches Cody to the outside. He then throws Johnson chest first into the ropes (a la Enzo Amore’) then slams him chest first into the mat. Avalon goes for the double knees but Johnson ducks it and hits Avalon with the most dangerous move in all of sports entertainment – the rollup. Much to your chagrin, he gets the three count to earn his first ever victory in AEW! This breaks an 0-29 streak. Curt Hawkins can rest easy, his streak is no longer in jeopardy! Big Shotty meets the Nightmare Family at the top of the ramp to celebrate and give a VERY winded interview to Schiavone.
I’m not the biggest fan of basic Cody Rhodes matches (ones without good stories) and this storyline didn’t really catch me at all.
Rating – 1 ½ SRPs
BOTCH: Good Bucks, Young Brothers
Dasha asks the Young Bucks about getting eliminated in last week’s Battle Royale. Before they can answer, the Good Brothers show up. They argue like a bunch of high school kids. Black-haired Buck mentions he is feeling frisky and will put up the titles next week against Santana/Ortiz. Anderson asks for a Red and Black Wolfpac 2Sweet. Blonde Buck gives ‘em the 2Sweet while Black-haired Buck tries to convince them to do it off-camera.
Too much talking over each other for my liking. Both teams should take some improv classes!
Rating – ½ an SRP
POP: Open Bars and Broken Hearts
Dasha shows up again to ask Page about the possibility of a Hangman/Hardy union. Hangman shoots it down and Hardy runs in and tells Page he rented a bar all to themselves to celebrate their big victory. Hangman, in true alcoholic fashion, immediately accepts since Matt’s covering the tab. Hangman goes to get his phone (conveniently hidden in his pocket as he walks away) and runs into the Dark Order creeping down the hallway. In a cute moment before it gets awkward, Little John Silver tries to recall Hangman’s name like they’ve never met (or heavily recruited) him before. “See ya on the flip.”
I can’t wait to see Hardy/Hangman sharing a bar alone together.
Rating – 1 SRP
POP: Crazy Little Bastard
The Bastard Pac comes out with Rey Fenix to face Zolph Diggler (errr, apparently Ryan Nemeth) in his super shiny, Fredericks of Hollywood panties. Pac hits a B-YOU-TIFUL top rope dropkick early. Everything he does is crisp and looks painful. Very intense moveset. Diggler punches Pac, Pac brushes it off and kicks the ever-loving shit out of Diggler, ending the sequence with a single-leg dropkick. Diggler attempts to get the advantage with a huge spike DDT on Pac. They end up fighting to the outside then Pac rolls Diggler back in and stomps a mudhole in him. Unsure if it was Texas-sized or not. Am I allowed to say that? Pac goes to the top and hits a Black Arrow to the back of Diggler and easily transitions into the Brutalizer. Apparently, AEW hired referee Leon Roberts away from UFC as Diggler taps out for roughly five minutes before he calls for the bell.
Pac’s body size to believable offense ratio is off the charts.
Rating – 2 ½ SRPs
POP: Miro, Miro on the Wall, Remind Me of Last Week’s Wedding Brawl
Normally, I wouldn’t review a recap segment; however, two things make this one worth it. First, Miro doing the recall. Enough said. Second, there is a small addition at the end that made me literally laugh out loud. So if you missed the big wedding of Kip and Penelope last week, Charles, butler to the stars, somehow shackles Miro to the ringpost without Miro feeling it on his giant man-ankle. Chuck and Kip fight for a minute and Penelope gets a face full of cake. When Kip gets the upper hand, Orange Cassidy pops out of the cake like a denim-infused stripper. Don’t forget to tip, Kip! They beat down Kip and the wedding is over.
Miro says that nobody messes with Kip, Penelope and especially The Best Man, Miro.
They cut to Chuck and OC on a couch sippin’ a little bit of the bubbly.
Cassidy: I mean….what did they think was gonna happen?
Chuck: Obviously, Orange Cassidy was gonna pop out of a wedding cake. *Cheers*
Chuck’s knowledge of tropes in wrestling history shines through here. Now, if we could just get him to mediate all future contract signings, that would be great.
Rating: 3 SRPs
POP: From an Innie to an Outie
Dasha, who continues getting closer and closer to the ring with each interview, catches up with Jericho, Hager and Wardlow. She astutely points out that a few members are missing. Jericho assures her MJF is just warming up for their match (that match is next!). Santana, Ortiz and Max show up in a tizzy. Max quickly throws Sammy under the bus and accuses him of breaking his ribs. Jericho looks shook but says they’ve gotta go handle their match first.
They enter the ring with MJF still explaining what happened in the back while the crowd scream-sings Judas in my Mind. I can’t wait for a full crowd to sing that. Jericho doesn’t really get to soak it in (man) until it’s almost finished but the joy on his face is undeniable every time he comes out to this song.
Not to be outdone by the crowd, The Acclaimed comes out and Max Caster drops a short rap. In the spirit of Bachur’s Retro SmackDown recaps, here’s the transcript of Caster’s rap:
“Hey. Hey. Yo. Yo.
Acclaimed make ya stupid.
Cut ya lights off like we cut off Judas.
Sorry Chris, you suck like a mosquito,
I hope your bones ain’t as fragile as your ego.
Last week, I threw Max out of the battle royal,
Caught him slippin’ cuz of all the baby oil.
I should get a shot at that diamond ring,
Unless you wanna be my Sunshine and sing.”
John Cena he ain’t.
Anthony Bowens jumps in with his usual “AEW! What’s up! The Acclaimed is here!
The match starts with MJF and his taped up ribs going into a collar and elbow with Caster. Max immediately drops and rolls out of the ring. Tags in the Demo God. Caster takes it right to him. Hits a shoulder block and a kip-up which is at least the fourth kip-up of the night. I should start a kip-up counter! Bowens tags in and gives up control almost immediately. MJF gets the tag and immediately gets thrown to the ground by Bowens. MJF and Y2J do Caster dirty with a double eye rake when Aubrey gets in between Caster and MJF to get them out of the corner. They don’t go easy on him and double team him in the corner. Back and forth action throughout the commercial break. When will they have a match end during the picture-in-picture commercial? That would confuse literally everyone. Jericho goes for a Lionsault on Bowens but Caster jumps up and cracks Jericho in the face with the boombox. Jericho kicks out at a very close 2. MJF ducks Bowens on the outside and Hager pushes Caster off the top. One Judas Effect Bitch Slap later and the Inner Circle, sans Sammy, celebrate in the middle of the ring.
Well hell, here comes Sammy now in his Woman shirt. RIP Nance.
Jericho immediately asks Sammy what the hell happened. Sammy reminds Jericho that on the 12/9/20 episode of Dynamite if one more thing happened with Max, that Sammy was done. And Sammy is out here now to tell Jericho he’s…….done. Sammy is a man of his word – a star built for the people. Jeridad instantly needs Sammy to clarify what done means and Sammy QUITS THE INNER CIRCLE! He leaves the ring and in classic tough-guy (Hoooooooo!) fashion, Hager rips his jacket off to watch Sammy leave.
When we come back from commercial, AEW graciously gives our short-term memory loss fans a video recap of Sammy quitting the Inner Circle. Alex Marvez catches Sammy leaving Daily’s Place and Sammy says he needs time away from this place. Perhaps he just wants to see what direction Urban Meyer takes the Jags before coming back?
I really liked this whole spot. The interview was pretty basic but the match more than made up for it. I loved the aftermath with Sammy living up to what he said and not only following through but doing it very quickly. I’m left feeling intrigued to see if Sammy is going to go through some sort of major character makeover or just disappearing until Revolution when he costs Jericho/MJF their tag match. Or maybe it’s all a swerve and he returns to help them win. I don’t know but I’m here for it.
Ratings – ½ SRP for the backstage interview
1 SRP for Caster’s intro rap
3 SRPs for the match
3 ½ SRPs for the post-match shenanigans and interview
POP: A Broken Man and a Cowboy Walk into a Bar
Hangman and Hardy are having a great time swapping stories. Matt proposes they take a shot for their victory but throws his on the ground without Page seeing. It’s hard to see the floor when your head is thrown back. In a surprise to nobody, Page downs his shot with no hesitation. Hardy shoots his shot (figuratively) and gives Page a contract. Matt scratches his ass for a minute but it turns out, he was just trying to put the envelope in his back pocket. Matt whispers to the cameraman that he wanted him in the bar to have a witness for Page signing it just in case he sobers up and has any regrets. These guys really do love to include their cameramen. What Matt doesn’t realize; however, is that Page had a contract of his own, which he swaps out while Matt is distracted. Hardy scurries off as Hangman continues trying to find the bottom of the glass…well, every glass.
Another segment that leaves me wondering what’s going to happen. What does Hangman’s contract say? Has Matt been hoodwinked into something nefarious?!?
Rating – 2 ½ SRPs
POP: Drag King
It’s Sting! It starts snowing in Jacksonville just like it is everywhere else in the country. Sting, in all his wisdom, has his long jacket on in preparation of the snow. Taz and Hobbs immediately interrupt via video board. They’re sitting in an SUV. They pan over to the parking lot and reveal Cage and Starks have demolished Darby and secured him in a body bag. They jump in the SUV and drive away, dragging Darby behind the SUV while Hook stands up in the moonroof. Sting angry walks (which, according to Excalibur is hot pursuit) to the parking lot. I’m sorry for the things I said about you and your team, Taz but I’m still disappointed in you.
Tony’s man-crush on Sting is so adorable. Team Taz said they’d show up. Maybe they were just running late due to all that Sting snow. Anyway, I liked the parking lot attack though I’d rather see the beatdown before the drag off.
Rating – 1 ½ SRPs
POP: Two Caddies, One Cup
Kenny is already in the sand trap (been there, buddy!) and Marvez interrupts him in the middle of his backswing. Omega makes him wait so he can take his shot. Omega did not hit the sand in front of the ball so he crushes it way over the green. The caddy goes and kicks the ball completely out of play and Callis picks it up and drops it in the cup while Omega explains he is out on the course in nature clearing his mind and getting mentally, emotionally and spiritually prepared for tonight’s match. He tells Marvez he forgot how it feels to lose and he won’t lose tonight or at Revolution. Marvez, who apparently walked from Daily’s Place to the golf course in a full AEW suit, asks Omega/Callis for a ride. Shockingly enough, they scoff at him and walk away.
Other than being surprised Omega was in the sand, it was different. And nobody got run over by a golf cart!
Rating – 1 SRP
POP: First Round Jitters
We get a little PIP interview with Rosa. She wants Shida’s title. She wants Deeb’s title. And she wants Britt Baker’s ass. Shoot for the moon, kids.
After a brief back and forth, Rosa takes control and gets a 2 count. Hirsch then starts rolling her around like a female American Dragon. Rosa needs a reprieve but Leyla is 2 Legit 2 Quit and hits a Tope Suicida. A center rope neckbreaker puts Rosa back in charge until Leyla catches her during the commercial break. She then goes for a moonsault and wears a couple of Thunder knees to the midsection. Again, she misfires on a moonsault and after the Fire Thunder Driver, Rosa moves on in the tournament and Hirsch goes back to MC Hammer’s place to prove her legitimacy one more time.
This was a good, safe match. I have a feeling Hirsch is going to be a major player before long but right now, it’s Thunder’s time.
Rating – 2 SRPs
It’s then announced if you care about the women’s eliminator tournament, you have to watch the Japan side of the bracket on the YouTubes. So do it, you cowards!
BOTCH: Sadosaurus Jack
Jungle Boy is upset that Dax slapped him so hard he had to put his hands on the mat. He reminds Dax that he still beat him and is going to make him his bitch for kidnapping Marko and torturing him. But don’t worry folks, Marko is safe and 100% okay. I’m assuming he’s hiding safely in Luchasaurus’ dinosaur egg somewhere.
Pretty basic interview but filled us in on what’s going on between FTR and Lucha Express
Rating – ½ SRP
POP: Smashed Potatoes
Kenta Maeda….Kentavious Caldwell-Pope…..what’s that? It’s just Kenta? No? Oh. KENTA. *whispers* got it, thanks. KENTA shows up first with his red IWGP US Heavyweight Challenger briefcase, his black Go2Sleep Club shirt and his pretty purple hair.
Kenny is next. Here are Kenny’s Mattitude facts of the week:
The man who is undefeated in singles matches for 529 days
The very first and some would say greatest iwgp United States heavyweight champion
His 38 aew victories are more than anyone else on the roster
Overall, he has won ten straight matches spanning across three different wrestling organizations
His pinfall over Jon Moxley, the ONLY pinfall of Jon Moxley, was voted the biggest WTF moment in the Bleacher Report 2020 AEW awards
His biggest WTF moment coincidentally took place at a wild wing café in NOOOOORTH CAROLINA!
*Obligatory Sweeper Girl shout-out for Jesse*
You guys, this action was wild from the jump. What you are about to read does not do the action justice so go watch it (after you finish the column of course).
In the ultimate match of can they co-exist tag teams, KENTA brains Moxley with the briefcase right after the bell rings. Archer attacks Omega just to catch the briefcase to the back. He gives it the Deadman sell and confronts KENTA. Omega gets a 15 yard penalty for a blatant cut block in front of the referee. Omega begins stomping Moxley but KENTA pushes him out of the way. While they have a short argument, Moxley fights back while Archer conveniently watches from the corner like he’s in an hour long battle royal.
Omega and KENTA double team Moxley until Archer gives Omega the pounce and Moxley takes the upper-hand on KENTA. Jon and Lance doing a great job of the aforementioned co-existing. Archer and Omega get dumped to the outside which leaves KENTA and Mox to exchange blows in the middle of the ring. Omega brings in a trash can and clubs Mox with it. He lands a beautiful second-rope moonsault while holding the trash can. This trash can gets absolutely demolished when Omega holds it up to Mox’ face while KENTA dropkicks it. Suddenly a red ladder appears and Archer jumps in the ring and clubs Omega and KENTA at the same time with it. Mox with the suicide dive onto KENTA outside the ring as Archer hits a belly to belly into the propped up ladder on Omega. During commercial, they fight to the outside. Mox and KENTA end up inside the ring with a chair. Mox gets tired and takes a seat so he immediately catches the flying taint from KENTA.
Back from commercial and KENTA punches Archer in the back. Again, Archer is affected by the strike as much as he would be a mosquito bite. Peter Avalon politely asks KENTA not to ruin his Hugh Hefner bed that he’s built in the crowd. He immediately is rewarded with a Go2Sleep. KENTA could’ve at least put him to sleep on the bed. Alas, it’s probably best as Omega violently goes through it shortly thereafter. That’s the last time Avalon brings his sex bed to a four man wrestling match. Meh, probably not.
All four men fight/walk/Drunk Uncle-stagger up into the concourse. Mox and Kenta end up in the kitchen and boy the kitchen staff is going to have some surprises when they return to work! KENTA DDTs Mox on the stainless steel buffet table. Jake Roberts is very confused as to how that didn’t immediately end the match. Archer blasts KENTA in the back of the head with some Genuine Idaho potatoes. Mox hits Omega with a potato and the call of the night goes to Schiavone for “HE POTATOED HIM!”
They randomly cut to a match recap…while the match is going on! They really did target that short-term memory loss crowd tonight.
Mox and Omega fight to the ring and Mox brings out the dreaded Kendo stick. He even bows to Jake Roberts as if the Snake is Sensai of this whole operation. Mox comes off the top with the Kendo and eats a V-Trigger knee from Omega. Another V-Trigger on the outside lands Mox on the timekeeper’s table. Elsewhere, Archer and KENTA make their way up to the announce table. KENTA ducks an Archer attack and runs off the stage and gives Mox the Coup de Grace through the table! Archer and Omega yell each other back into the ring where Archer instantly snatches the kendo stick and gives it the Bo Jackson style treatment. They go back and forth until Archer choskelams Omega damn near to hell. Archer goes Old School and walks the rope. He hits a moonsault from there but only gets a two.
Archer gets him up in the reverse Razor’s Edge but is interrupted by the not-so-Good Brothers. After Anderson counters a chokeslam with a cutter, Jake stumbles in and hits him with the short-arm clothesline! Gallows drops Jake and before Omega can give Jake the V-Trigger, Mox jumps in with the barbed wire bat and nails Kenny in the tum-tum! Then some shots for the Good Brothers. He turns around just in time for KENTA to give him a Go2Sleep. Archer’s had enough and grabs Omega and KENTA by the throat but gets the Brock Lesnar memorial Dick Kick, which allows Gallows and Anderson to hit the Magic Killer. Omega removes his kneepad and gives Archer the V-Trigger and then an assisted One-Winged Angel with the Good Brothers for the three count. Kenny lives up to his word that he wouldn’t remember what losing was tonight. Great foreshadowing, Kenny!
This match was fantastic. It was built great, had tons of action and four dudes that were willing to throw themselves at each other 100mph until it was over. I wasn’t joking earlier. Go watch it.
Rating – 3 ¾ SRPs
Hey guys, I really want to thank you for reading this. Special shout out to the SRP team for getting me set up and rolling. I look forward to churning out worthwhile content for you to read while you poop. So join me next week for the Bucks of Youth putting their tag titles on the line against Santana and Ortiz and Riho making her triumphant return to face Serena Deeb. Oh, and maybe we’ll find out if a week was long enough for Sting to catch up to Team Taz on foot!
I really enjoyed this episode of Dynamite. It was a lot of fun and most stories were engaging and lead in to some curiosity of where they could go. Many options here in Jacksonville. Feel free to leave a comment below (good or bad, I’ll answer them all!) and share the column with your friends, family, followers and my mom. And for the love of everything that’s holy, join the Discord for good talk with good people.
