Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you back to Pops & Botches: The Lesnar Years. Where we left off, Nunzio started a feud with feud-starter Rikishi, The Undertaker renounced Love, Matt Hardy finally called his shot for the Cruiserweight title, John Cena challenged The Destroyer, Brian Kendrick streaked, Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle waged war one final time and Team Angle’s practically hogging all the belts now. You can watch this week’s episode here. Ten more days until No Way Out! Next Big Thing!
POP: Steady Haas
BOTCH: The Losing Edge
Brand-new WWE Tag Team Champion Charlie Haas opens the show tonight against Edge. You may remember Charlie defeating Edge to gain his first singles win in a match that was just kinda there. Poor Edge has been somewhat aimless these past few months, which is a real shame. One of 2002 SmackDown’s hidden strengths was its ability to keep Edge’s momentum building from program to program. Lately, though, he’s just been vaguely feuding with Team Angle and losing. Edge’s momentum is about to stop completely for very unfortunate reasons, but we’ll get there when we get there.
This is a notable improvement from their first outing, as Charlie seems a lot more confident now. Haas isn’t the Dynamite Kid, but he’s clearly upped his intensity, and he knows how to stay in control. It’s a good back and forth from guys who know what they’re doing, with the highlight being this gorgeous roll-up reversal to the Edgecution. The finish is ain’t much, though; Heyman hops on the apron for literally no reason, Edge spears him, and Charlie rolls Edge up with the most low-energy O’Connor roll you’ve ever seen. Look, I’m not saying you should have your new tag champ take an L immediately after winning the belt, but you could give Edge a win from time to time, I reckon.
POP: My Baldy Valentine
Early in the show, Stephanie McMahon’s former flame visits her office with a Valentine’s Day gift. This might just be apophenia, but does anyone remember that scene from the 2003 Daredevil movie where Bullseye sits in Kingpin’s office and smells a rose? Does this image sound any alarms? Am I just making the connection because Kurt Angle is also bald? Did you know Daredevil came out exactly one day after this episode aired? Before I can keep talking about the goddamn Daredevil movie, Kurt Angle tries to steal a kiss from Steph and gets interrupted by Brock Lesnar. Imagine trying to get comfy with a girl and all the sudden BROCK LESNAR of all people kicks the door down. Way to kill the vibe.
Anyways, Steph tells Kurt that she’s made a decision regarding No Way Out: Team Angle will meet Brock Lesnar, Edge and Chris Benoit in 6-man action. Brock is feeling a little different, so he asks Kurt to sit at ringside while he tears John Cena limb from limb in our main event tonight. There we go, our No Way Out program is set. Now, about that whole Daredevil thing…
???: ‘Kish of Death
Last time on SmackDown, our favorite fatass gatekeeper Rikishi defeated Nunzio. Very easily, I might add. Nunzio threatened the big man, and Rikishi danced a jig. SmackDown’s getting real fond of booking the same Rikishi match several weeks in a row, so we’re doing that again. Nunzio tries to jump Rikishi before the bell with a plancha, but it doesn’t work because he weighs the same as a half-filled backpack. Before Rikishi can start kicking Nunzio’s ass, he gets blindsided by two big dudes wearing leather. Meet Nunzio’s heavies: Chuck Palumbo and Johnny Stamboli. We all know Chuck, former WCW and WWF tag team champion who came out as straight during his own gay wedding last September. Johnny “The Bull” Stamboli is another former WCW tag champ, and you might remember his stint as that guy that tore his urethra doing a very stupid leg drop.
Alongside other WCW Power Plant graduates, Palumbo and Stamboli joined the Natural Born Thrillers during the final days of WCW. What does all this have to do with Nunzio? Nothing, but WWE’s making their own version of the Full-Blooded Italians, so they grabbed whoever had the most Italian-sounding name. I mean come on, PALUMBO and STAMBOLI. If these two were anymore Italian, they’d get shot by Joe Pesci. Rikishi vs. Nunzio never takes place, as the goombah and his boys give ‘Kishi a goodnight kiss and leave him in a heap. There’s your new faction. Also, for some reason Nunzio’s trunks read “ITALIANS 2”. You know, I’ve always wondered, if Italians are so good, how come there’s no Italians 2?
POP: Cruise Control
After making his Cruiserweight intentions known last week, Matt Hardy takes on a Cruiserweight (hey, that’s new) to prepare himself. Our Matt Facts of the day? “MATT ALWAYS GETS MORE VALENTINES THAN HIS BROTHER” and “MATT DOESN’T SEND FLOWERS, ONLY GIVES CHOCOLATE”. Tony Chimel announces Matt’s weight at 230 lbs, but quickly corrects to 222. Yeah, Matt’s been shedding the pounds, as you can see by his… trash bag shirt. Cole and Tazz call it a “rubber suit”, but if you google “rubber suit”, you’ll find very different results! Matt’s random Cruiserweight opponent this week is Rey Mysterio. Like Edge, Rey seems to just be doing whatever at the moment. He lost to A-Train, lost to Kurt Angle, and then beat Jamie Noble. Beating Jamie Noble is not an accomplishment. As stated previously, Cole and Tazz are somehow always at their best when calling Matt Hardy matches:
Tazz: I just take Stacker 2, Cole, and I eat a bunch of like, macaroni.
Cole: That’s good for losing weight, way to cut the carbs! I’m sure Matt Hardy would wanna take diet advice from you.
Tazz: Actually Cole, not for nothing, Matt Hardy should talk to you about weight loss, given that you’re about 150 soaking wet with a brick in your pocket.
Rey and Matt have yet another good little Cruiserweight match here. The crowd is crazy hot for Rey, and Matt just has natural chemistry with any cruiser he comes across. They do botch a leapfrog at one point, but they rebound with a pretty neat finish. Matt seemingly reverses a ‘Rana into a powerbomb, but he drops Rey and collapses into the ropes from exhaustion. Collapsing into the ropes during a Rey Mysterio match is the same as pissing into the wind, so Rey lands a 619 and beats Matt clean. I’m obviously glad to see Rey getting wins, but I should point out, Matt is gonna challenge for the Cruiserweight title in like a week. Though I guess “losing to Rey Mysterio” is a defining trait of any good Cruiserweight champ, so hey, why not.
Matt heads to the commentary table again and says that loss didn’t count, as he wasn’t 100%. Or at least, that’s what he tries to say, he doesn’t really have enough air to collect his thoughts. We later catch a glimpse of Matt shedding the remaining two pounds backstage, and it just dawned on me that this guy’s wearing his merch over his workout gear. Big Money Matt, indeed.
???: Friends in Low Places
We get a little video montage detailing the resume of recent SmackDown shenanigan-er Brian Kendrick. Promo packages are usually praised for being a consistent highlight of WWE TV, but the editing here is so, so, SO bad. You could lock me in a room with a typewriter for 50 years and I’m not sure I’d be able to properly convey my feelings into words. I’ve taken the liberty of uploading it to Youtube, so don’t take my word for it.
The slide whistle, Jesus Christ. Oh, speaking of The Lord, Brian meets up with his newfound friend Sean O’Haire, who congratulates him for his performance. They get interrupted by local bully Bill DeMott. Local bully Bill DeMott bullies Brian Kendrick. No real reason, he just grabs him by the collar and shoves him into (against) a locker. Sean O’Haire, who is apparently a face now, tells DeMott to knock it off. This is not leading to a Bill DeMott/Sean O’Haire match, because then you’d have to cheer for either:
a) a guy who may or may not be Satan
b) Bill DeMott
POP: Rail Crossing
We get a little recap of last week’s main event that explains how exactly Benoit got that cut above his eye, apparently Angle headbutted him on his way up the ropes. Chris Benoit may have failed to capture the WWE Championship, but tonight he faces the Train Event Player. Benoit vs. A-Train is a pretty interesting first-time matchup, Train’s good against smaller dudes and Benoit’s good against literally anybody. Like his namesake, one of Train’s best attributes is his ability to pick up speed and throw his weight around. All his moves have impact, and this match is a good showcase for him. This is one of those TV matches that don’t go long and don’t really have any big highlights of note, but it’s a neat watch.
Train manhandles Benoit, but he keeps charging at him full-speed, which the Crippler uses to try and get the Crossface. Though Benoit’s able to land some impressive Germans on the big boy, he misses the Headbutt and Train gets back on offense. Train hits a Bicycle Kick for two and sizes Benoit up for the Derailer, which Benoit reverses into a Crossface. A-Train tries to inch himself closer to the ropes before finally tapping out, with Benoit refusing to let go after the bell. Short match, a little under six minutes, but maybe the best Matt Bloom’s ever looked! Benoit’s got some momentum heading into No Way Out, cause goddamn, he just pulled a good match out of a train.
BOTCH: Who Betta Than [REDACTED]
Big Show is not here tonight (shock and awe) but his agent Paul Heyman is back with yet another mystery crate for the Undertaker. I’m sure Taker will really appreciate it this time, and not, say, beat up whatever’s comes out of it. Heyman leaves after being interrupted by the Deadman, but not before mocking Taker’s dumb taunt. Not quite as good as that time he did Brock Lesnar’s entrance, but still pretty funny. Taker opens the crate and is greeted by Kanyon of all people, making his SmackDown debut after returning from injury.
For those unaware, Chris Kanyon, FKA Mortis, is a late WCW fan favorite. Fun fact, he actually held US and tag gold at the same time around 2001! I know people love Kanyon, but don’t get your hopes up, he’s here to job. Now, according to Wikipedia, Kanyon shows up dressed as Boy George and sings the 1983 Culture Club hit “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me”. Unfortunately, due to copyright concerns, the Network edit just shows him exiting the crate, saying “WHO BETTA THAN KANYON”, and then cuts to him getting his ass kicked. You have no idea how confusing it was to watch this on the Network out of context. Taker buries Kanyon right out the gate, and this Big Show feud drags for one more week. Hey, I was born in 2000, how should I know who the fuck Boy George is?
by the way, that Culture Club song SUCKS
POP: God, The Dragon Whip Rules
Former tag champion Eddie Guerrero goes singles against current tag champion Shelton Benjamin, which sounds fantastic. Sadly, these two never got a chance to truly tear the house down with a big singles match, but I’ll take what I can get. It’s another short bout, clocking in just under four minutes. It’s good while it lasts, with the only low-light being Eddie trying a heel kick and getting absolutely no air (EDIT: That was a back elbow. I am dumb). Though Shelton comes in solo, Charlie eventually runs down to distract Eddie as he’s going for a Frog Splash. Eddie dives onto Charlie and catches Shelton’s superkick attempt, but Shelton reverses into the dope-ass Dragon Whip for the win. Shelton’s first (SmackDown) singles victory. Relatively clean, too, which is great to see, as Charlie’s been the one getting most of the pins lately. Another dub for Team Angle!
BOTCH: Girls Gone Mild
Backstage, Torrie Wilson is visited by Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis. After some research, I’ve concluded that Girls Gone Wild is an entertainment franchise where girls do, in fact, go wild. It filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in 2013, as I assume the concept of girls going wild was no longer profitable. WWE and Girls Gone Wild partnered up for a PPV in March 2003, which apparently drew complaints for not going wild enough. Anyways, Joe asks Torrie to be the special guest. Torrie Wilson is a girl, and we know she’s quite capable of going wild, so this tracks.
Aside from Joe, THE HEF shows up for a few seconds to let us know that a WWE Diva will soon be appearing on the cover of Playboy. “Playboy looks forward to laying the SmackDown on newsstands soon!”. God bless. Okay, where was I? Torrie Wilson wrestles Dawn Marie—FUCK. Man, I thought I was done with these two. Torrie Wilson wrestles Dawn Marie in a Valentine’s Day Bra & Panties match. A Bra & Panties match can only be won by stripping your opponent to their bra and panties. Pretty intuitive. May I remind you that these two were throwing hands at Al Wilson’s funeral last month.
I don’t like to get horny on these write-ups, but god damn, Dawn Marie. You’re not gonna believe me but this match is WAY more complex than you’d think. There’s like 10 false finishes. There’s an extended roll-up reversal sequence in a match where pins don’t count. Dawn hits a springboard clothesline, for god’s sake. Torrie wins (obviously) after pushing Dawn off the top rope and pulling her pants off. She doesn’t get to celebrate long, as Nidia attacks from behind. See, Nidia and Torrie are wrestling at the Girls Gone Wild PPV. It’s not on the Network, so I ain’t reviewing that. Torrie takes Nidia’s pants off, and then she takes her pants off, because every Bra & Panties match ends the same way.
SLIGHT POP: The Freestyle Does Nothing
Last week, John Cena dove headfirst into an open casket called out Royal Rumble winner Brock Lesnar for a match. Earlier in the night, he gets interviewed – in rap form! – by SmackDown’s Number 1 Announcer Funaki (INDEED!). Funaki’s interview notes read “what up” and “dawg”. Please take a second and check out this Tale of the Tape. First of all, what the hell is the “Killswitch”? I know John Cena doesn’t have a finisher, and I KNOW his ass never hit the Unprettier. “Ph.D. in Thugonomics” is pretty funny, though. So, Brock finally gets a match on SmackDown, three whole-ass weeks after winning the Rumble. Ever defiant in the face of certain doom, Cena raps on his way to the ring. Cena’s freestyle is great, but I’m so mad Brock didn’t run out halfway through and get John’s ass like he did with Elias in the 2020 Rumble.
Brock carefully sets up a chair for Angle at ringside, but Kurt’s nowhere to be seen. So, as expected, Cena gets his lunch eaten. After whipping Big JC all over the place, Brock exposes the top turnbuckle (Cena called his mother ugly in the pre-match freestyle, so Brock is extra mad tonight). But while the ref is busy fixing the corner, Brock turns around and eats a chain-assisted punch. You’ll be glad to hear it was a worked punch and Brock didn’t just bonk forehead first into a steel chain. The chain punch gives Cena an opening, so he keeps Brock grounded with a rear-naked choke. Lesnar eventually fights back, rams Cena’s head into the exposed corner and wins with the F5 in short order. I was expecting Brock to rip Cena’s skull out and jam it back in, so I’m a little disappointed. At least we have SummerSlam 2014.
Brock grabs a mic and tells Kurt to come out and meet him face to face. Kurt doesn’t do that, because he’s got literally no reason to. Brock says “OH YEAH?!”, picks Cena up, and F5’s him into the Steel Ring Post like he did to Kurt two months back. Such display of castigo excesivo somehow moves Angle, and he walks out to answer Lesnar’s challenge. We got about six minutes left on the episode, so Brock says he wants a match right here, right now, in [INSERT CITY]. Kurt accepts, and then immediately backs out. He has a sinus infection! But don’t worry, Brock vs. Angle WILL happen, one-on-one, right here… next week! Lesnar says “okay” and clotheslines Angle’s head off his shoulders. The tag champs run down to help, but Brock just trucks through all of Team Angle. It’s Angle vs. Lesnar, next week! No really, I swear!
And that’s our show! Oh, by the way, I think we were gonna get a big Rock/Hogan recap this episode but it got left out of the Network upload. Oh well, join us next time, as The Rock goes head to head with Hulk Hogan LIVE, A-Train tries another go at Chris Benoit, Hardy and his MF’er battle Rey and Billy Kidman in tag action, Torrie Wilson and Nidia meet in a Paddle on a Pole match, and Kurt Angle defends the WWE Championship against Brock Lesnar. He does, really. Make sure to leave a comment below (I’ll read ’em!), share the column around and join the Discord. SmackDown!
