Evening, everyone! So I know the last time we had a RAW article, HEELGreenRanger had officially resigned from covering this show.
I, Fusionman, will attempt to take his place and cover the Red Road To Wrestlemania and beyond. We’ve finally made it to the Royal Rumble, maybe RAW can be…decent? Less of a pain? Not a toll? Please, god let my job be easier.
Last Week on RAW: Alexa beat Asuka by turning into a Hot Topic Goth, The Hurt Business beat up Riddle and RETRIBUTION beat up Xavier Woods to send a message to Kofi. If this sounds familiar, we’ll get to that.
The Women’s Tag Team Division Is The Worst Division In American Wrestling, Change My Mind
So this segment…
So Charlotte in the pre-match promo says Shayna wears an “invisible crown” with her “self-given title” of Queen of Spades. I don’t know if I’m watching a different RAW than everyone else here but CHARLOTTE DOESN’T WEAR ONE EITHER WEEKLY. The only person who wears a crown every week is Corbin I’m pretty sure and I don’t even know if he does that anymore.
Once we get to the match, it starts with Shayna facing Charlotte in a match that went to DQ so quickly that the video for the match itself spends the first half of it on Charlotte’s pre-match promo. This summons the Sexy Muscle Friends to attack Shayna and Nia and save Charlotte because they’ve been feuding for what feels like 5 months.
This then summons Lacey from the void into a 6-woman tag. A SIX-WOMAN TAG THAT ENDS IN A SHOOT COUNT-OUT EVEN THOUGH SHAYNA WAS LITERALLY GETTING INTO THE RING AS HE SAID TEN
THEN DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK ADAM PEARCE RESTARTS THE MATCH BECAUSE THE HEELS WHINED AT HIM AND THEY WON
So in short…Shayna would have lost to Charlotte in minutes, Sexy Muscle Friends took another pin, Asuka and Peyton were non-factors in their own tag-team feud and nobody has momentum for their tag title match on Sunday. Who was this segment designed to get over? Lacey and Charlotte? Why is that being treated like a singles feud? I just don’t see the point of spending what felt like 30 minutes on a segment that barely got over 1/3rd of the women in it.
Then again…
Slappity Jack Don’t Talk Back
While normally, I’d consider this a segment for the next part of this article, I just want to note a few small things.
First, minor Pop for Woods having a giant G4 logo on his pants to shill for his G4 job as well for his aggression throughout this entire match, it made the match feel much higher stakes than it actually was. However…what’s the end-game of this feud? Ali isn’t winning the Rumble to turn the Mania contendership into a Kofi/Ali feud. Neither team has the tag titles and we know Xavier Woods isn’t joining RETRIBUTION as GAMEBOY or whatever. DIRECTIONER?
I’m sure someone funnier than me can come up with Woods’ RETRIBUTION name. While RETRIBUTION won SRP’s award as worst/most disappointing angle of 2020 and many other negative awards online, that was because they haven’t done anything in addition to the masks and names and whatever. At some point, we need to do something with these goobers. Or we could unmask them all and let them wrestle. RAW wouldn’t do that though.
Also RETRIBUTION POWER RANKINGS CHART:
Ali > T-BAR=MACE > SLAPJACK
Wrestling for Wrestling’s Sake
Forgive me for covering this show out of order but this problem haunted a ton of the most recent RAWs.
Let’s Lightning Round this.
Once again what’s the point? AJ as gatekeeper isn’t ending with a midcarder eliminating him from the Rumble, he’s going to be eliminated by his Mania opponent or something else main event-level. The 24/7 championship is still on Truth because THE BELT YOU DEFEND ANYTIME ANYWHERE IS NOT DEFENDED IN SINGLES MATCHES.
Omos still hasn’t hit a single actual wrestling move and I don’t know anymore if he knows any. This seemingly eliminated Truth from the Rumble so we won’t get 24/7 comedy breaking up the Rumble like the hardcore broke up the 2001 Rumble into sections. Why did we have AJ do qualifying Rumble matches and have nobody beat him? Massive Pop to Truth for dressing up as his childhood hero John Cena and going for both a Five-Knuckle Shuffle and an AA.
Maybe the Fiend actually made R-Truth into a phylactery for John Cena. After the Firefly Funhouse John Cena’s soul wandered throughout the universe until it stumbled and found R-Truth. However, the act of two souls melding into one body drove R-Truth mad. Now only Truth can hear the voice of John Cena as well as see the fragmented Cena soul left behind by the Funhouse. And the name of that fragment? Little Jimmy.
Now that I’ve solved the Riddle (not M Riddle just a riddle), Truth’s slow evolution into a John Cena cosplayer makes perfect sense. Now why did it begin before the Funhouse? Bray said the Funhouse is outside space and time, did you not watch the match?
HEY HEY! HO HO! CAN WE GIVE WINS TO MIZMO!?
Holy [expletive deleted] they wrestled twice on one show? OK fine, I’ll calm down…
deep breathing
WHAT ARE THE RULES IN THIS FORSAKEN COMPANY?! Why are some handicap matches a handicap tag where the two (Miz and Morrison every goddamn time) must tag in and why are others TORNADO? Miz didn’t ask for a tornado handicap! He just got one!
Why would Adam Pearce help Miz? He hates him! That’s well-confirmed! We’ve seen that a lot! Like a lot, a lot! It was MONTHS of television! You need rules for a wrestling show to function! Heels can’t get heat for breaking or manipulating the rules if the audience DOESN’T KNOW THE RULES! This is common goddamn sense, put me on the picket line with Sami Zayn, I demand some rules…
Ok so we have a story for the Rumble. Sheamus is entering the Rumble with a bad leg and to win the Rumble, he’ll have to not only overcome the standard 1/30 odds in a Rumble but do it on basically one leg. To say this is a pointless match is wrong as unlike AJ/Truth, you can see why this aired.
However, we didn’t need TWO double-digit length matches to do so. Maybe one. Or a backstage beatdown where MizMo send a message to Drew by beating the shit out of his best friend backstage. I don’t know, something where we get to the story elements FASTER and more story can be told on this 180 minute long program.
MATT RIDDLE HAS PINNED THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
You have to think this puts him in line for a…US…Title Match.
Can we not do the Cedric’s aggression and cockiness makes Hurt Business explode storyline please? Cedric is so going to lose relevance soon after leaving the team, look at Peyton not even being a part of her own tag partner’s storyline. Just let stables stay stable.
Dude, Where’s My Gift?
I’ve only watched about 3 stoner comedies and this isn’t Pineapple Express time okay?
There’s not a lot to this segment but one overarching question from this is why are the alignments how they are?
Bobby Lashley first starts this video with a very sweet “believe in the me who believes in you” Gurren Lagann moment that is super sweet and reminds us how MVP in kayfabe and in real life pulled these men out of obscurity and into holding gold with a ton of TV time and wins. We’ve gone from Gary Garbutt the Janitor and Bobby cuckolding Miro to a dominant stable and one of RAW’s best acts. MVP honestly deserves a medal for all he’s done for RAW and these men this past year.
Close enough!
So in general, Hurt Business are four confident, proud black men who support each other and honor their friend and…business partner? Coach? Whatever MVP is to them with a gift to thank him for all they’ve done for him. Nobody is using MVP for their own personal benefit or turning Shelton Benjamin into a meat shield, they feel like four friends building each other up and succeeding in the wrestling business by their own merits. They won their tag titles clean, a blind tag is not an illegal action. Hurt Business didn’t even intimidate or threaten the intern who gave MVP the necklace this week so they’re not even bullying RAW staff this week.
Riddle meanwhile sneak attacked MVP, one of his opponents later in the night while he was distracted from the Loser’s Locker room of 24/7 “competitors”. He wasn’t provoked, he wasn’t mocked, if anything Hurt Business was planning to hurt Truth and had no plans for Riddle until the Gauntlet Match tonight. Maybe I’m old-fashioned but isn’t softening up an opponent before your match the same night a thing that heels do? What are we doing in this storyline?
Shelton Benjamin forgetting to take his mask off then saying “shit” the moment he remembers he forgot to take his mask off – after the mask is removed so we can all see him say it – is my new favourite thing.#WWERAW pic.twitter.com/iSll0kdXH6
— Gary Cassidy (@WrestlingGary) January 26, 2021
This may be the highlight of RAW this week by the way.
THE LOWLIGHT OF RAW
So we start this segment with a re-do of Trish/Triple H/Steph. However, instead of it starring three adults around the same age, two of which are dating, its now an old man, his daughter and a Lacey Evans. What’s the Wrestling Equivalent of a Gold Digger?
We’re also having Charlotte talk about this like it is an actual affair between Ric and Charlotte’s…2nd stepmom? 3rd? She even said this is maybe the worst she’s ever seen Ric and he’s been in “some dark places” during both this and before the Shayna match. Maybe its just me but can we…not say this about the man who nearly died a few years ago, lost his son and has been divorced 5 times?
This angle sucks but credit to Lacey for a Women’s Right to the back of Charlotte’s head. That should be every Women’s Right, I’d buy that as a finish more than just “a punch”.
RATED R-OYAL
Edge is one of the best promos of his generation. Honestly no jokes there, I love that former vampire.
Edge is what Undertaker thought he was. The old cowboy down for one last ride. Maybe part of it is the streaks of grey in his beard but Edge truly captures that energy to me of the old cowboy riding down to town. Hopefully the Fiend will not be the young cowboy that kills the old cowboy in his hunt.
I know we have to finish up the Randy feud but once this feud is over, lets get Edge vs AJ and the other dream matches we’re getting another shot for. I think Edge alone could drastically improve RAW.
THE FIRE FACTORY
So first off…does the Funhouse only own that one tiny CRT? The Fiend should buy a better TV for the puppets to watch, no wonder Abby’s in such a bad mood, she has to watch the TV from all the way on the other side of the Funhouse.
Secondly, obvious statement but Alexa is killing it. Her nursery rhymes in the promo was creepy, she was able to quickly jump between cute and childish to intimidating and weird and she’s making the segment worth it. Let alone her amazing work in the match we’ll talk about in a moment. But first…
So does this mean Alexa is now directly possessed by the Fiend? She has the Fiend lurking within her? What’s the spooky implications I’m supposed to take because I saw this as confirming possession.
The match seemingly showed this as we saw the Three Faces of Bliss. I assume Alexa was crying the second she went “normal” as an OH SWEET JESUS WHAT HAVE I DONE. After that though…
I hate this transformation honestly. I’m sure WWE thinks that Alexa’s pretty face can’t be covered up or that they can’t ugly up a pretty woman who is a merch machine but it’s so obnoxious. I wanted some hideous monster. Maybe the spooky mask she wore in No Mercy ads a few years ago. Who knows. Instead, Alexa is a Hot Topic goth. With her fishnets and her black lipstick and the dress. I know making women ugly is a problem for media in general but like…let Alexa be ugly.
As for Gerald Butler Phantom of the Opera Orton? OK…why did you give him a lucha mask for one week and then he doesn’t come out in it. Implied burn marks are much more effective than shitty makeup. See Kane (1997-2003). It makes sense that he wants to ruin Alexa’s chance at a title in revenge for his face but unfortunately Randy is probably about to die. I wonder how you eliminate a pile of ashes from the Royal Rumble when they no longer have feet.
And that’s…wait I missed…oh yeah…
OLDBERG
So good news, Oldberg didn’t speak this time. He only said 10 words which even the dementia zone can’t ruin.
This was also pretty cool.
Besides that…what do you want me to say? Miz ate shit for about the 50th week in a row, Goldberg is a 50-year old man challenging for the WWE Championship instead of any of RAW’s top heels or even Keith Lee in a face vs face rematch and Drew is a good talker with a luxurious head of hair. This is not news. RAW’s world title picture better pick up after the Rumble guys, I don’t think I can take a few more weeks of Goldberg.
THAT will be Monday Night RAW. If you like this article or you have any writing suggestions, leave a comment below. Additionally, you can join the Discord. We’re looking forward to the Royal Rumble and we hope you would join us.
We’re about to head on the Road to Wrestlemania and we have many moving parts that still need to be placed. Until next week, get your black suits ready for Randy Orton’s funeral and we’ll see you on the Red Brand.
