Pops & Botches: AEW Dynamite 1.20.2020

AEW Dynamite Pops & Botches

 

 

 

Author’s note: After seven months of crippling unemployment, I have started a new job! Unfortunately, as it is a writing gig, the schedules and workflow just won’t work with my writing here on Pops and Botches of Dynamite. Ironically, I am wearing a salmon colored t-shirt. Alas, there will be no Hall of Pain Mark Henry swerve. I got a lot left in the tank, but I’m going down a different road. Thanks to Phil and Allison for everything.

POP: Ain’t No Party Like A Dark Order Birthday Party Cause A Dark Order Birthday Party Don’t… (INTERRUPTING HEEL THEME SONG)

We got an evil cult birthday in the house. (Given the whole QAnon nation had their hearts broken today, at least one evil cult got to have a good time.) They bring out –1 wearing his Pop’s robe on Ten’s shoulder and light a cake for him, BUT THOSE DASTARDLY NOGOODNIK’S DR. LUTHER AND SERPENTICO come out to ruin the fun! 

I gave some shit to Luther’s evil uncle shtick and Serpentico’s mask looking like a dime store Sauron, but I think they may have found their niche in AEW: “Least threatening evil heels”. It works very well for them and makes up for a lot of their otherwise aimless silliness. Not everyone can be Mr. Dream, but Glass Joe still gets on the card.

TH2 come out to even up the odds and a whole shmozz happens.  Hangman Adam Page takes offense to a child’s birthday being ruined and FLIES off the stage into one of the more convincing “Let’s all stand around as someone jumps at us” spots we’ve seen in a while. 

Decent match follows, ultimately with Page and the Dark Order taking the win. Luther gets dropped into a cake (BECAUSE TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE AND NO WRESTLING CAKE HAS EVER BEEN SIMPLY EATEN), and Brodie Jr. gets to whack Luther and Serpentico with the kendo stick. (But not before telling them “You idiots, my birthday was 3 days ago!” and chucking the papers just like his old man.) 

They put Hangman on the spot and ask him whether he’s joining or not? (But not before Silver tells him how great Page is, and how he’s so handsome and he has great hair. Ain’t no kayfabe necessary, those are all accurate statements.) In one of the legit hardest moments I’ve ever laughed at wrestling, Page says, “No.” just as confetti goes off and banners unfurl screaming “HE SAID YES!” 

This is unexpected but a nice story beat. Sure, he took the bottle with him, but Page saying “I’ve done the group thing before” might be an indication of growth. He knows he ends up relying on others, and it can only lead to hurt. He may be literally right in this regard, because I don’t see the Dark Order happily taking this rejection after such a long courtship. 

Biggest Pop Ever: The Continued Presence and Embrace of Brodie Jr. 

As someone who has lost their father at a young age, I cannot tell you how much every aspect of AEW’s treatment of Brodie Jr. warms my heart. In deaths like these, the standard protocol is everyone who love the deceased is there for you for, oh, roughly six days. Afterwards, so long, buhbye, have a nice life, maybe I’ll send you a card once a year. It sucks, it’s just the natural grief terror of our culture, where “Moving on” often means “Leaving someone to fester in their mourning.” 

Nothing, nothing, can bandage the wound of a dead parent. Not even time. It merely scabs over, leaving a hollow hole where the flesh torn away never grows back. But, having your dad’s company and coworkers and friends embrace you for months, continually tell you how great your parent was, how much they’ll all miss them, and groom you to follow in their footsteps? 

That’s as good a grief as you can get. 

 

BOTCH: Taz in the Streets, Darby in the Sheets 

I’m sick of Sting already. You are nothing more to me than a snow machine.  

Sting comes out to vaguely say he approves of Darby Allin when Taz interrupts. He says you guys look like dorks and I’m from the street and my mama has the best gravy in Red Hook Brooklyn. You know: Fighting Words. Darby mumbles something and this feud enters a quantum level where I know AEW has only existed for two years, yet this feud is in at least year five. Please just let one team devour and kill the other already, I’m bored. Win me back, let Sting just go Negan and beat Hook to death with a baseball bat or something. 

 

Move Over Festival of Friendship Painting, You’ve Been Usurped 

For the wrestling fan in your life, consider this oil painting of Don Callis, Kenny Omega, and their well-defined cum gutter muscles. Somewhere Kota Ibushi is cry masturbating and feeling very conflicting emotions. 

POP: Peter Avalon with the Upset of the Century

lol, Nah.

 Though he does get more offense than anyone imagined. Before the first shots are exchanged, Jade Cargill comes out to tease a Shaq Attack that’s never coming (and no one cares about). Avalon uses the opportunity to kick Cody in the dick, and also the knee, but mostly the dick. As a result we get a surprisingly competitive match. Cody still wins of course, but it’s a fun novelty at least. Jade Cargill never returns and the Shaq thing goes on another week longer than necessary. The appropriate amount of weeks would have been Zero.

POP: Mox, the Jon

I’ve never heard of “Freak Beast” Nick Comoroto, but as he’s billed from Philadelphia, I have to assume his gimmick is “Unthawed Frozen Caveman Found Under the Vert Ramp at FDR park”. Bam Margera found him after losing his deck bailing on a 630.

Actually, commentary mentions he was trained at the Monster Factory, at that time in my hometown of Bellmawr, NJ, where your dear author did promotional work in 2007 until they never paid me. All I recall from that era was a young guy whose gimmick was a medieval type villain named “Gaylord Focker” that was as weird as you can imagine. I can find no record of this wrestler existing, and I was hoping he grew up to be Stu Grayson or something.

Dean Moxley gives his standard “Badass BabyFace Promo #3” wherein he don’t care about nuffin, but you gotta beat him in this company and the crowd woos and I care a little less. Can somebody kayfabe kidnap Renee Moxley and give this guy an actual story?

POP: Story Progression via Tag Team Shenanigans

Six-man of Sydal Airlines vs. Party Hardy! (Has anyone made the Party Hardy joke yet? Copyright.)

I hate Marq Quen’s “Watch my little dance” kick.  

Deonte Martin with a KILLER front flip into a hurricanrana from the turnbuckle! I can’t find a gif for it, so either find the full match or take my word for it. Frankly, this match is full of great indie spot and it’s hard to write anything about them other than, “COOL!”

Top Flight set up for a double team top turnbuckle finisher, but Matt shitcans one of them, in time for Private Party guy to whack Deonte with a chair. Marq Quen gives his a partner a flash of “Fuck yeah” and nails a BEAUTIFUL Shooting Star Press that makes up for that dumb kick dance. 

After the bell, Private Party beat down Top Flight and show they’re taking the tutelage of dickhead Matt Hardy seriously. 

 

Inner Circle Segment 

MJF tries to butter up the other boys and level with them. Sammy holds back, but MJF puts on his serious face and tells him he loves them all, they’re family, and families win by sticking together. Fuck yeah. 

 

POP: 2 Legit 2 Quit

Orange Cassidy is watching from the crowd. Kip, Penny, Miro, and “The Kentucky Gentleman”/”Charles the Butler”/”Youngboy Chuck Taylor” come out in tow.  Chuckie actually looks half decent as a throwback tuxedo butler. Fingers crossed for a long term gimmick change.

It’s a shame Miro DESTROYED KAYFABE by publicly actually marrying Lana, because Leyla would make a way more fitting onscreen love interest. Stocky, hard hitting, vague association with Russia. If intergender wrestling ever takes off*, I’d watch them Donkey/Diddy Kong the shit out of the entire division. 

*It won’t. There’s too many of y’all that want it for straight perv reasons, and it shows. Keep telling yourself it’s for pure workmanship aesthetics. You’re cute when you lie. *

Penelope gets the win when Kippy grabs Leyla’s boot. 

After, Miro punks out tuxedo slave Chuck Taylor, making him tell Orange Cassidy that “Miro is my best friend now.” Cassidy sulks away in sadness. Can we get a little love for Miro’s sweet tracksuit? He’s still got a little Eastern Europe in him after all. 

 

Backstage Omega Good Brother Penta Beatdown 

Kenny Omega’s loud clothing speaks to the inner Guido in me. Purple Paisley shirt? Beetlejuice pinstripe stretchy pants? OXBLOOD MONKSTRAP BOOTS? Fly me to the moon baby! (I didn’t write anything about the beatdown because the title pretty much doubles as a direct transcript) 

 

POP: Inner Circle Eating Its Own Tail 

If you’ll recall, Inner Circle have broken into three tag teams, and tonight they’ll all battle each other to see who’ll take on the Bucks for the tag team titles. 

WE GET THE BIGGEST CAMEO (quite possibly literally a Cameo) OF AEW’S SHORT LIFE WHEN THE RED ROCKER SAMMY HAGAR DROPS A PROMO ON BEHALF OF HIS NAMESAKE TAG TEAM! I wasn’t sure who to root for, but this Humans Being  

Sammy and Jericho start off as the crowd yells “Tag-Slut” at Jericho. (Editor’s Note: SteelRingPost denounces Tag-Slut Shaming in all of it’s forms) Sammy gets in some great shot and a bragdocious top rope springboard somersault into a pose in the center of the ring.  

The Inner Circle is such a perfect use of Chris Jericho as a veteran character and wrestler. Outside of IC, I don’t think Proud and Powerful would’ve stood out to me. Though Sammy is undeniably talented, his size would’ve always distracted me. Instead, I have such a strong understanding of these characters’ dynamic with each other that it all means more. When Sammy strikes Jericho, it’s not just trying to win, it’s “Jealous Son taking on the Father Figure that lets him down.” When MJF and Ortiz square up, you see the interloper against the OG. When Hager and Wardlow Hoss out, you know the “I’M the Big Man!” “No, I’M the Big Man” bickering that goes into it. Jericho brought these guys together and let his star shine onto them and so they could bloom on TNT during Prime Time. 

WWE’s diss on the indies has always been they were great workers with no character. Yet one of AEW’s first stables has been a 7-run grand slam by setting up each individual member as goddamn soon-to-be superstars. Just great shit all around. 

Jericho and MJF call for their respective bat/diamond ring to cheat, (Because fish gotta swim), but Hager bops em both for their troubles. Jericho hits the Lionsault and….OOOOOF. I’ll need to see a replay of that. It doesn’t look quite as much like a neck hurt botch as a “Landed directly on my face.” Wardlow interrupts on the apron to distract Sammy (with MJF up in the rack). Unfortunately for Sammy, it works. MJF slides off his shoulders and gos for a rollup that 99% “Grabbing the tights” and 1% “pin”. Sammy’s gonna be fucking pissed. 

This was a great match and story of a unit fighting to sort out the pecking order. But I think we’re near the beat of the story where it all starts to fall apart. Sammy can only be shit on, fucked with, and pointed at by lesser man for so long before hitting a new level and blowing this joint. And goddamn is he gonna be a nuclear babyface when he does. 

And that’s all folks! I’ve been Jesse Draham, and this has been my final Pops & Botches. I’d like to thank all the reddit dorks that took every joke seriously and harassed me every week. YOU are the reason wrestling fans have the stellar reputation they do today. So, long live SteelRingPost, long live AEW, and here’s hoping Vince McMahon gets 25th Amendmented out of the CEO spot sometime soon. Listen to my podcast Kill Your Gods! where we nitpick pop culture to death and occasionally read books. Follow me on Twitter @JesseDraham That’s my time, see ya!

     

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