Image: AEW on TNT

Pops & Botches: AEW Dynamite – 1.6.2020

Dynamite News Pops & Botches

 

There was wrestling last night? Weird, I don’t remember a thing. Did something else happen yesterday? Something big, tip of my tongue. Eh, it’ll come to me.

Welcome to another edition of Dynamite and another edition of Pops & Botches! Thank you for joining us for a week of humorous observations and riffs on this weekly show, especially after last week’s somber celebration of life. Please bear in mind: this is a jokey joke haha column. If you take it seriously, you are dumb and need to socialize more. And yes, I am making this disclaimer because it is absolutely necessary.

On with the show!

POP: Young Bucks and SCU vs. Acclaimed and TH2

A weird side effect of watching this show is catching the final credits of the TERRIBLE movies on TNT. I think the closing credits song was a German version of 80’s cheerleader staple “Mickey”? As in, “Oh Mickey you so fine, ja ja shtuttenbrein, ja Mickey”.

“It’s Wednesday Night, and you know what that means!” I think I speak for the entirety of the wrestling community in hoping this remains the official Brodie Lee inspired intro to every episode of Dynamite from now until it is bought by Ted Turner the fourth.

Starting out, we get an interesting 8-man tag and I’m super stoked for this variety of styles. 

TH2 tend to dance to the ring anyway, so the Acclaimed freestyling thing kinda works. Wonderful burn from the Platinum Max Caster, “We John Cena, the Young Bucks Jannetys!” I will never not pop for a low blow on Marty Jannetty. Ya’ll seen this meme?

Happy 2021! Also, happy New Year’s Smash Night 1, which I completely forgot was happening.

Immediate clusterfuck. Great interference as an Acclaimed blocks an Arabian Moonsault from Daniels by just grabbing and deadweighting him. Why do we not see more deadweight defense? I’d love to see somebody pop up before Pac hits a Black Arrow, grab him by the ankles, and deadweight him like a child that doesn’t want to go to church.

They’re advertising the Go Big, Show! on the ring apron, though I honestly don’t know whether it’s debuting soon or has been airing for 8 seasons already. Here’s hoping this cross-promotion goes both ways and we get some AEW wrestlers “Going Big”. I just want to see Abaddon give comedian Bert Kreischer a heart attack and I vow to watch every episode, TNT. Let’s hear that annoying giggle of his while she spits blood and broken dreams into his eyes.

There’s a lot of great stuff happening in this match that didn’t get posted o social media, so I insist you rewatch it if you can. Triple Dives. Chained blind tags between TH2/Acclaimed as Daniels takes 3 unanswered top rop offenses, only for Angelica to tie him up in a crucifix submission. I know I’m just describing cool shit to pad out this column, but it’s all really great wrestling that deserves acknowledgement.

Kazarian gets the Hot Tag, bringing his high school football coach energy. Wrestles hard and smart, big strikes, diving out of the way of offense. Tags in Benji Jackson who just somersaults everyone one at a time, just chucking his butthole at people. GREAT moment where he goes up to drop a moonsault on Bowens, only to pull a surprise and dive OVER the SteelRingPost(.com, for all your wrestling needs!) onto the other three men on the floor!

We get some interesting mixes and matches between the BuckSCU. Kazarian fills in with Joel Jackson for a BTE trigger and Daniels provides the assist for a Best Meltzer ever and the win! Such a fun match.

Kazarian grabs the mic to tell us he’s proud of you ladies, now give me a lap and hit the showers.

They reiterate the next time they lose a tag match they’ll disband. They vow to have the Bucks back whenever they need us…except for when they inevitably face each other for the belts. Dun dun DUUNN! (Where is Scorpio Sky for all of this? Did they just forget about him? Or is it implied they’ll only tag with him if they lose?)

Chaotic Good Promo #3

“You crossed the wrong guy. I am a guy you do not cross. I will injure your legs so you can only sit criss cross applesauce. I’ll see you at the Crossroads (so you won’t get lonely), man I miss my Uncle Charles.”

Moxley fell into the role for his entire championship reign of “Fighting Champion”. Which is fine to be repetitive when you’re the champion and always have that role, but he hasn’t really updated his motivation since then. This level of general animosity Moxley only has like 3 speeds and we’ve seen em all before. It’s just this particular beat in the story and it’ll get better, but it’s a beat that you could just put on Youtube at this point.

Palm Tree MACHKA

WHAT THE FUCK IS  MIRO WEARING AND WEAR CAN I BUY 7 PAIRS?

Trent is injured, Miro gives him shit saying this means Chuck is on the shelf, since he can’t carry his own weight. Yada yada yada, they’re having a “Young Boy” match, where if Chuck loses, he has to be Miro’s “Young Boy”.

For those unaware, a Young Boy is a Japanese tradition where a Younger Wrestler is essentially a servant to a veteran. Also, there may be some rumors of hazing and drinking semen as punishment. Or maybe drinking semen as reward? I don’t know, Japan has weird traditions. Anyway, someone’s guzzling something next week, DON’T MISS IT! Sponsored by Sprite! Quench your servitude!

POP: Battle of the Big Men

Battle of the big men! The rest of the Inner Circle watches from the ramp.

It needs to be reminded from time to time, but I love the filming angle AEW has chosen for Dynamite. Back in WCW, they shot with the ramp to the right of screen. WWE, from the left, with the exception of Wrestlemania X and that one Rumble where Cena came back. But AEW has made great use of the background ramp for bystanders. The ominous presence of the Dark Order or the Inner Circle lingering in the background includes the context of the match at all times. For 90’s kids, you can’t help but think of Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter, of bloodthirsty competitors watching a battle to the death.

The big boys are pretty evenly matched, with neither competitor dominating for very long. Since MJF, and by extension Wardlow, joined the Inner Circle, they’ve had Big Man heat the entire time as to who would be the enforcer for the group. There’s only so much gooning room in this circle, and both would prefer to be head goon.

Great ending sequence as Hager gets a triangle choke on Wardlow on the turnbuckle. Wardlow does a drop down, catching Hager on the ropes, and gets him up for the F10 and somewhat of an upset win. They bump fists after, seemingly squashing their beef.

You Got Your Juice In My Gin

Private Party have been looking for juice to go with their gin. Hmm…it’s almost as if they were aware that a certain music star KNOWN for juice and gin was backstage tongiht? America’s least threatening indicted murderer SNOOP DOGG arrives with some cranberry juice (never cared for it, too acidic) and the party is on!… until Matt Hardy arrives with management contracts for Private Party, still trying to control their career. I’m liking Matt Hardy’s 385th wrestling gimmick and severely hope this one keeps his skull and concrete floors as far apart as possible.

POP: An Orange Man I Approve Of

Darby has the newly redesigned TNT championship, the classic of course being retired in remembrance of Brodie Lee. Cage and Darby are weighing in for next weeks big event. Taz objects that Cage has to weigh in first. “Is it because he’s the challenger? But he’s BIGGER! I mean, I think he’s bigger, we’ll find out when he’s on the scale…”

Taz has not impressed me too much during this AEW run (Save your commentary, idiots. I’m well aware I’m in the minority), but he’s pretty great in this segment. Maybe I’m too narrow in my tastes, but I think all managers need a bit of Bobby Heenan in them. A little scum, a little weasel, a little wormy. Taz has mostly been playing the dumb tough guy card; “We’re gonna BEAT YOUR ASS. Bring that ASS down here so we can BEAT it good! How DARE you train my son to wrestle and achieve his dreams? I’ll KILL YOU.” Here, we get to see him as a bit more conniving, trying to mess with Darby’s confidence, keeping everybody on their toes.

After mocking Darby for being 100 pounds lighter than Cage, Darby grabs the mic, saying this match hasn’t been building for 9 months, but for 27 years, because Allin’s been fighting people like Taz his entire life. Lights out, Sting. Taz is perturbed by the snow (as he should be, the tasmanian devil is a desert creature, completely unacclimated to a colder climate). They leave, vowing to take the TNT championship next week. Sting and Taz stare each other down mid-ring in a stare that says half “I got your back” and half “Let’s make out and smear our makeup.”

Hager-Bombs

MJF is with Hager as he rages out backstage over his loss. Hager missed the MAGA rally to be here, so he’s extra frustrated with his loss, as he’d REALLY wanted to snag something out of the Lincoln bedroom for an anniversary present. This is all Wardlow’s fault…

POP: Cody Featuring Snoop

We get a Snoop Dogg remix of Cody’s theme song. Snoop has given Arn Anderson the night off and has Snoop as his “Coach”.

Sydal slips out of the way of a ringside strike and Cody ends up nailing Serpentico with a shot. FORESHADOWING?  Yes!

I really like Matt Sydal (fka Evan Bourne), but we’ve gotta let him get some wins here and there. The guy is a great athlete and a hell of a hand and is INCAPABLE of putting on a bad match. BUT I can’t think of a single Dynamite match he’s wrestled where he wasn’t the obvious loser before the bell even rang. Let’s give him some W’s. Give us a “Guardrail Challenge” and let him just mow through the hangers on filling out the ringside street. Quick 15 wins to make him feel more like a threat.

Ya know how confident I am of those opinions? I wrote the previous paragraph before the match was even over. Go figure, despite a hell of a fight, Sydal wanders into 2x Cross Rhodes and the 1-2-3. Decent match. Now let’s see if the post match is just as good!

This Dogg’s Gonna Fly!

Luther and Serpentine have taken umbrage to the accidental hit and storm the ring attacking Cody. Cody and Sydal join forces and beat them back, chucking Luther from the ring. Sydal starts to set up for a splash on Serpentico, but NAW, BIG COACH SNOOP IS GONNA HANDLE THIS SHIT as he climbs the turnbuckle for the big splash and….oh my….

I haven’t mentioned Jericho much this evening due to “outside of wrestling” opinions. (For those not in the know, Jericho has been a bit too chummy with the Covid-denier, pro-dictatorship, conspiracy theory wing lately. You know, nothing says rock and roll pro wrestling badass like…blindly swallowing authoritarianism! “I, wanna rock and roll all night, but be indoors before the military curfew! ((guitar solo))” Given the events of the day, it’s hard to ignore the fact he literally just released a podcast with a flat earther/covid denier/bible fundamentalist. I’m sure he’d defend it as harmless, but this conspiracy theory shit is anything but, becoming a cornerstone for denying reality and hiding your rationality. It ain’t cute, and today of all days is not the day to pretend it’s harmless fun.)

That was a hell of a parentheses. Anyway, I say that to say this: Jericho is fucking fire on commentary all night long, and nowhere as perfectly as putting over Snoop here. As Snoop ascends (and pauses…and pauses…) Jericho is spitting one-liners left and right. “He doesn’t even have his wrestler’s license!” “What’s he doing, he’s 9 feet tall, he doesn’t have to move him closer!” “That is not an official count, do not count that, do not ring that bell!” After the painful replay showing just how poorly Snoop hit the splash (Excalibur says “Looks more like some kinda knee drop combination), he immediately makes Jericho break kayfabe by running over to commentary for a big smiling hug.

Pretty fun stuff, if not perfect. But honestly, this is how you should be using celebrities in wrestling. Snoop didn’t come in and bitchslap Brian Cage out of his muscles and make him tap out, he didn’t crack Darby Allin with his skateboard and win the TNT championship so Snoop Dogg could have the belt for the first few episodes of the Go Big Show. The real wrestlers who are here every week beat down a scrub (sorry dimestore Sauron Serpentico) and hold him down while the celebrity does a half-assed splash. THAT’S HOW IT SHOULD BE.

As far as Jericho…remember that one old man character on Futurama? He’s a civil rights lawyer who inspires awe and respect from the people around him, only to immediately turn people against him? Such as arguing for religious and equal marriage rights (YAY!) before confessing he is a polygamous Satanist (BOO!). Where am I going with this?

Jericho: just let us love you man. “I am Le Champion, the living legend, and the head of a group of young rookies that I’m training to be the next generation of stars and perpetuate the art of professional wrestling!” (YAY!) “Also, there is a child sex ring in your local pizzeria’s basement!” (BOO!)

POP: Kayfabe Blood Safety

My wicked queen of the dark Abaddon is challenging Shida for the belt! Shia is barely to the ring before Abaddon attacks trying to bite wherever she can. Her makeup is especially terrifying tonight. She drags Shida under the ring to prosecute her in Little People’s court and Shida comes out bleeding from the neck once more. (Great touch by ref Bryce Remsberg remembering to put on the gloves for the kayfabe blood). Shida gets the pin despite fighting for her life in terror the whole time.

POP: Kenny Omega vs. Rey Fenix

My beloved Cleaner Gals are back down to 2. (Maybe he’s just keeping 2 at Impact Studios to save on the travel expenses. That’s MY AEW Champion: the shrewd financial planner!)

Such a killer match with too much to praise and not nearly enough links to share of it.

Kenny Omega has the best facials in wrestling. He looks like the most evil 80s villain, bareing his teeth like he’s looking for stuck spinach. It’s such a small little detail that helps Kenny go from plucky white meat babyface nerd to dastardly cartoon bad guy. One of the only wrestlers I’d say is as convincing playing both babyface AND heel.

Unfortunately, the tides of wrestling show us how this is gonna go. Kenny’s still a new champ, his story is still taking shape, while Rey Fenix has been playing second fiddle to the Kingston gang these last few months. It’s all fine and exactly what it needs to be…but god damn does it make my mouth water for Rey Fenix getting a big story and a REAL championship shot. (You know what I mean, REAL as in “several weeks of buildup culminating in a PPV match he actually has a shot of winning.)

Kenny wraps it up with the un-kick-out-able One Winged Angel. Of which, not sure if you’ve heard, NOBODY has kicked out of. Not even Rey Fenix. Though it does make me wonder who is gonna be the first to kick out of the One Winged Angel? Or will it stay a killer forever, ala the Burning Hammer? (The original Burning Hammer. Not the indie Burning Hammer. On the indies, you can kick out of a chainsaw decapitation at 1. KILLING THE BUSINESS!

If I can give my pick? Who better to kick out of the One, than the One? The Negative One, Brodie Lee Jr! (Okay, THAT armchair booking I do mean seriously. Book it for All Out 2030 Tony Khan YOU COWARD)

I have the same peacoat as Don Callis. My fiance has informed me that’s not a compliment. Callis’ earpiece gets payed off as we get news that Pac and Death Triangle are being beaten in the back by the Kingston Family (ah…another alliance).

Jon Moxley comes out with a barbed wire bat and belts Kenny in the Breadbasket. Out come the Good Brothers (They Don’t Even Work Here!) and stomp down Moxley, eliciting a Too Sweet! chant from the crowd. They drop him with a Magic Killer. Kenny beats him with the Barbed Wire Bat (BWB). Private Party and Brian Pillman JR and others attempt to storm the ring only to get beaten back by the Brothers Good and the BWB. Kenny looks in the camera, cements his heel turn by turning a baseball hat backwards and says “You made me flip the switch”.

OUT COME THE BUCKS! (GOOD BROTHER VS. GOOD BROTHER! BULLET VS BULLET!) OH MY GOD…THEY’RE IN ON IT!!!!!! TWO SWEETS ALL AROUND! THE BUCKS ARE THE THIRD MAN, THE BUCKS ARE THE THIRD MAN! AWWW GEEZ FOLKS, WE’RE OUTTA TIME!

Well this sure was neat! I’m actually pretty intrigued, as this type of thing seemed absolutely destined ever since Omega made the bridge to Impact. Still, to actually see it play out was pretty goddamn great. It gives new motivation to a rather stale Young Bucks act, introduces the Good Brothers as the killers they were always meant to be, and puts Omega back on the throne of a heel faction ala his time in Bullet Club. With the Kingston family as an ancillary gang of goons running defense, King Kenny now rules over the domain far removed from any threat.

Hell yeah!

(This has been a humorous wrestling recap. Any booking is only a joke. Don’t be a mark and send me complaints. Just read, and laugh, and share, and listen to my podcast dissecting fandoms and popculture, Kill Your Gods and follow me @jessedraham on Twitter!

     

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