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RAW Emotions – 1.4.2021

 

What Happened Last Week: Keith Lee earned a WWE Title match. Miz got the MITB Contract back. Ricochet and Retribution continued fighting forever. AJ Styles is apparently a face now. And Randy Orton considered setting Alexa Bliss of Fire.

Aw Crap It’s Legends Night

So yeah, new year, same WWE. When the ratings get down, the old folks get brought back from pasture. Surely we can get through an episode without anything generally terrible happening right, right?

RAW Emotions for January 4th

I Understood that Reference!

Yes I skipped the WWE YouTube video of MizTV, and yes it kind of hurt my soul a little bit. In retrospect I kind of wish they had actually drawn out the “Miz trying to get the MITB Contract back” idea out a little bit more than one whole week. Though I guess there is a chance by that time they could have just you know, forgot all about it. Not that they’d ever do something like that right?

Teddy Long memes aside. I don’t mind solid tag team matches opening up the show even if it took way too long to get there.

I just struggle to understand what the entire point of making The Miz constantly look like a complete goober is if you are actually going to give him the MITB contract back. Which is honestly surprisingly low on the list of things I have no idea what they are planning to do on this show usually.

All’s fire in Love and War

Oh, so Randy didn’t set Alexa Bliss on fire last week. You just had a really long segment to close the show where she definitely dumped gas and totally not water on herself. Then came at us with this totally weird camera angle from her perspective that does nothing but actually take you out of the moment.

Huh, neat.

I’ve heard Elias matches are a great assistance to De-Composing

Music jokes are difficult.

So for some reason we have pitted AJ Styles and his Tall Boi Omos against Elias and Ryker. I don’t know why. Like it doesn’t help anyone. Turning AJ into a Quasi-Face with basically no build up after his amazing heel run this past year is just depressing almost.

Also, and I mean this in the nicest way possible. Elias matches are boring as hell. If you want to keep throwing him out there in a crowd less atmosphere, at least give him a lacky that can go in the ring and let them run at the Tag Belts. Let him just be a manager at this point.

Also just let any of this actually matter please. Wait no never mind, I don’t want anything Ryker is involved in mattering.

This wasn’t the “Can They Co-Exist!?” moment I was assuming we’d be getting. However it is interesting at this point in his life Ric Flair is nothing more than that brand new car a heel gets randomly on RAW just for someone else to treat it like crap.

However that someone else was his own daughter this time. Laughing bubbly happy Charlotte lasted about a week, and that was a week too long in fact. I’m not saying she can never be a super over babyface. It’s just, like, not right now ya know?

If ya’ll didn’t spend ninety percent of your shows ignoring your characters histories it would be so much easier to write your shows and have things actually feel earned and moments matter.

Congrats, now everyone looks Dumb

I am going to ignore the fact that Lashley has defended the US Title three times since last August and only one of those matches went longer than four minutes.

I’m going to ignore the fact that we just spent LITERALLY A CALENDAR YEAR TRYING TO MAKE BOBBY LASHLEY THE TOUGHEST DUDE IN THE ROOM.

For now I want to focus on NOT MATT Riddle. Because like..

Riddle is a legitimate badass. Like real world badass. What you wanted Rousey to be, but also is REALLY GOOD at all things Pro Wrestling. We may have some issues with his usage on TV based on things going on in the real world. But he’s here, you are using him a lot, so I’m just going with it and.. I mean..

A fucking Roll Up? After he literally already tapped out? How does that make him look GOOD? How does this help ANYONE?

DO YOU GUYS CARE ABOUT ANYONE ON THIS SHOW?

ANOTHER ROLL UP FINISH?

HANG ON LET ME TURN OFF ALL CAPS.

Ok so let’s just calm down a bit. Let’s chill out. Don’t need to rush into anything and get upset and turn this entire column into gifs of Anger’s head exploding from Inside Out over and over.

Shayna Baszler is really good at Pro Wrestling. Is also a legit in real life badass. Yet here we are, with her losing to DANA BROOKE OF ALL– ahem.

Calm. Cool. Collected.

I get it. You are trying to paint her as someone who likes to inflict punishment. That’s cool. She can do that without getting rolled up and being made to look like a loser. It’s possible I promise.

Again the theme here. Who does this help? Dana got a lucky win? So what who cares. Shayna looks like an idiot. So I guess, so what, who cares? Fine whatever.

WWE “Legend” Jeff Hardy

Hold up, I’m sorry, what?

I’ve been down this road before, and I’m probably in the wrong. I’m pretty sure the main issue I have with people like Jeff Hardy and Christian being referred to as WWE Legends is that in the grand scheme of life they aren’t THAT much older than I am. And I’ve been trained over the years to see Legends as guys who wrestled BEFORE I started watching. To a point I guess.

The match itself is actually very good. The earlobe thing is still hilarious but I hope they don’t go to that well too often. Randy Orton gets a nice win to, I don’t know, gain momentum or whatever.

Why do you hate me

Lashley loses earlier, and now this. This is what you’ve done to my boys. Today, on the day of my daughters wedding. You come to me with this, Lucha House Party, and ask me to do bidness?

This is not bidness.

We have been telling this story with Cedric very slowly, and I like that! He’s cocky and over confident, and it’s potentially going to cost them soon. Unless MVP and Shelton can reign him in. So what if they do? Or what if they don’t? What happens?

Are you trying to convince me that YOU are going to run a Cedric Alexander character arc where as he gets betrayed and turns face and triumphs over evil? For what. You put him in a hood and a janitors outfit and then forgot about him last time.

What are the Odds Cardi B pins Shayna at Wrestlemania

So this was fun you guys! Legends! And stuff!

Garza finally gets the 24/7 stink off his shoulder and Nikki Cross actually got to be on TV! Hooray!

At least we are getting through this Legends episode without having to watch all these older people physically interact with the current roster. Nothing is worse than that, well except that time Flo-Rida shoved down Heath Slater for no reason.

Good thing there’s no shoving in this episode so far. Looks promising.

You guys did it, You actually did It

You let two bad ass professional wrestlers go out there and have a by gawd bad ass professional wrestling match.

It’s still shocks me thinking about it.

I’m not going to talk about the match itself, if you have not seen it, go watch it. It’s great.

Drew and Keith have great chemistry and it shows. This was such a great way to start the year and a wonderful way to end the show. Do more of this type of stuff and we won’t be so mad at you honestly.

And that was Raw. If you enjoyed the show, Enjoyed this Colu-

I’m sorry what? What do you mean that wasn’t the end of the show. What segment?

Nope, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

No.

I don’t want to. You can’t make me. Please no. Stop. No.

OH [EXPLETIVE DELETED] YOU

Let me get this straight.

You just like..

So what you’re telling me is that..

*deep breath*

ARE YOU [EXPLETIVE DELETED] KIDDING ME? HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO GO TO THIS WELL? IS IT A CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED AMOUNT OF TIMES?

LOOK AT THE ENTIRE THEME OF THIS EPISODE I TRIED TO MAKE SOUND GOOD.

WHO DOES THIS HELP? NO ONE.

IN TWENTY YEARS HOW ARE YOU GOING TO BE ABLE TO HAVE A LEGENDS SHOW IF ALL THE PEOPLE ON YOUR ROSTER CAN’T BECOME LEGENDS ON THEIR OWN?

BILL [EXPLETIVE DELETED] GOLDBERG. WHOOPDY [EXPLETIVE DELETED] DOO. MY GOD MAN.

DO I EVEN NEED TO TALK ABOUT HOW BAD THAT PROMO WAS? HOW TOUGH AND AWESOME HE LOOKS SHOVING DOWN ANOTHER GUY WHO JUST BUSTED HIS ASS FOR 20 MINUTES?

CAN HE DO MORE THAN TWO MOVES THIS MONTH? CAN HE GET TO THE RING WITHOUT CONCUSSING HIMSELF MAYBE? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

BUT HEY NICE LEATHER JACKET GRANDPA THANKS FOR SHOWING UP TO DEFEND ALL THOSE PEOPLE ON THE RAMP.

[EXPLETIVE DELETED] TORRIE WILSON COULD HAVE A BETTER MATCH WITH DREW THAN YOU COULD YOU [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED] GET THE [EXPLETIVE DELETED] OFF MY [EXPLETIVE DELETED] TV [EXPLETIVE DELETED].

And that was Raw. If you enjoyed the show, Enjoyed this Column, or just enjoy life in general, give this a share. Leave a comment below with your thoughts about how awesome Raw will be once Miz pins Goldberg for the WWE Champion. Feel free to stop by the SRP Discord where I probably get most of my jokes during our live discussions subconsciously and say hi. Until next time, I’m HGR and Tango Mike.