Evening, folks! I’m Bachur, and I welcome you to a very special one-off edition of Pops & Botches: New Japan. I’m usually the retro SmackDown guy, but I figured it’d be cool to get some Wrestle Kingdom coverage on here. 2020 has been… shall we say, a strange year New Japan Pro-Wrestling. After a very promising start with Tetsuya Naito as Champion and with the New Japan Cup on the horizon, operations shut down. New Japan returned in June with the Together Project Special, thus beginning The Reset. What followed was a shocking turn, new faces at the top, and a shitload of tournaments. Like, five tournaments too many. But hey, we’re finally here: Wrestle Kingdom 15. It’s Januray 4th in the Tokyo Dome, sounds good to me.
BOTCH: Core Four
We open the pre-show with… Chase Owens. Bold choice, all I’ll say. This is the Rambo battle royale, a good way to throw in all the guys who couldn’t get on the card otherwise. The final four will meet tomorrow in some sort of gimmick match to determine the provisional KOPW 2021, and I’ll worry about explaining that shit then. Now, Rambo entrants range from G1 guys, to Juniors, to… I dunno, Tomoaki Honma. Some people (a lot of people) may object to guys like Tomohiro Ishii and Minoru Suzuki being relegated to a battle royale, but that’s kinda the way this works. I mean, sure, there’s probably a contrived way to get everyone we like on the Tokyo Dome card, but like, Shingo and Taichi were preshow last year. Big Dome matches aren’t a given.
For example, look at YOSHI-HASHI and Hirooki Goto. 2/3rds of the NEVER Openweight 6-man tag team champions, guys who by all rights should’ve gotten a title defense. And Makabe takes them out before they even do anything. These clowns showed up in t-shirts and I’m pretty sure they didn’t even warm up. A battle royale is a great place to bring back old feuds in bite-size fashion, but this one’s mostly just kinda boring. It’s low-effort from everyone except the Young Lions, we get zero creative spots, and miss a whole bunch of eliminations. Charlton’s nonchalant “hey, it’s toa henare” is pretty goddamn funny, though. Speaking of funny, “Don’t ever tell anybody that diverticulitis is some ha-ha disease!” That is, without a shadow of a doubt, the greatest call Kevin Kelly’s ever done. And so, our KOPW 2021 lineup: Toru Yano, Bad Luck Fale, Chase Owens and BUSHI.
…
…Get excited…?
BOTCH: Pit Stop
Our opening match sees tournament winners collide, as Best of the Super Juniors winner Hiromu Takahashi takes on Super J-Cup winner EL Phantasmo for the chance to challenge Jr. Champ Taiji Ishimori on Night 2. Theoretically, using your two fastest guys to open the show is a pretty solid choice. ELP looks like a hobo that drinks Monster Energy (or Edge) and Hiromu’s… doing whatever the fuck he’s doing. It’s Wrestle Kingdom, baby! Unfortunately, most of this match moves at ELP’s pace, when it really shouldn’t. Instead of Hiromu keeping the match at top speed and ELP using underhanded tactics to keep up, ELP just kinda kicks Hiromu’s ass for 20 minutes. Yeah, it’s not that good!
Phantasmo’s got that weird Bullet Club memory lane gimmick, like when he sets up the Kenny Omega Terminator dive and somehow forgets what the Terminator theme sounds like. Pulling out old Bullet Club offense is fine as a running gag, but building a WK match out of it should be trialed as a war crime. The biggest issue with ELP’s offense is that it ranges from legitimate jaw-dropping athleticism to some dork doing his best attempt to play heel. And yeah, I suppose ELP’s charm lies in how over-the-top his heel schtick is, but even so, he lays it on a bit thick.
ELP targets Hiromu’s hand for a while, but it’s barely a factor here, as it exists only to give Hiromu a weak spot for tomorrow. There’s some dick-punching and general chicanery, and ELP hits that Styles Clash he’s been teasing since forever for a nearfall. Fortunately, he reaches too deep into the Bullet Club well and Hiromu rolls him up with a ‘Rana for the win. 17 minutes and they didn’t even get out of first gear. This was completely unnecessary, but I guess Hiromu wanted to work both nights.
SLIGHT POP: Halfway Crooks
Despite winning the tag team titles like 24 times, the Guerrillas of Destiny have been snakebit during WK season through the years. They’ve already broken one of their curses and won the World Tag League tournament, now all that’s left is leaving Wrestle Kingdom with the straps. GOD and Dangerous Tekkers had a pretty damn good match at the World Tag League, but it was built entirely on over-the-top bullshit. Very much not the type of match you can, or should, replicate here. It’s interesting that New Japan went with GOD instead of would-be two-time winners Juice Robinson and David Finlay. This was done to keep Juice free for a match coming up, but Juice wound up getting injured anyways, so this is all just one big shrug.
The thing with GOD is that the concept of them breaking their curse is way better in theory than it’ll be in practice. We knew this from the get-go. It doesn’t matter how good your built-in story is, it’s still the goddamn Guerrillas of Destiny winning the tag titles again. Tekkers themselves have been great champions and, with the enormous help of Tanahashi and Ibushi, tricked viewers into thinking New Japan had a good tag team division. They didn’t really, they just had one good feud for a couple months. This match is well laid out, at least, with Tekkers playing de-facto face. Taichi is already one of the most popular wrestlers in the company, and occasional babyface ZSJ is a revelation. Watch Zack vs. EVIL from G1 this year if you don’t believe me, that dude knows what he’s doing.
GOD get heat on Taichi until Zack gets the hot tag, then get heat on Zack until Taichi gets the hot tag. Zack is a fantastic Ricky Morton, and he busts out one of my favorite spots of his: mid-match commentary.
“TAICH’, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! IT’S THE TOKYO DOME! IT’S THE FUCKING TOKYO DOME!”
His English smoker mom shriek really seals the deal. For the most part, this is a surprisingly good tag match. They keep things straightforward, relying more on fun tag sequences than the usual bullshit. Said bullshit plays into the finish, a cromulent callback to their World Tag League match. Everyone’s favorite New Japan roster member Jado tries to interfere, so Taichi kicks him straight in the dick. Tama Tonga takes the opening and hoists Taichi by his own petard, nailing him with the Iron Finger. Tanga Loa hits Apeshit, and the Guerrillas get the gold. DOUKI carries Taichi to the back, which proves he’s a better manager for him than Miho Abe could ever be. Look, I’m not over the moon about GOD winning the belts here, but this had to happen eventually. It’s… what’s the word I’m looking for? Destiny.
POP, I GUESS?: Death Rides Again
Jon Moxley, who you may recognize as that guy New Japan keeps alluding to but can’t book, is coming! The former AEW World Champion still has the red belt (I just assumed he left it somewhere around his garage) and he’s gonna wrestle the US Challenge Rights briefcase holder. Eventually. For real, this time.
POP: Still Got It
About five months ago, KENTA won the New Japan Cup USA, earning the right to challenge Jon Moxley for the IWGP United States Championship. Unfortunately, Mox was permanently unavailable, so KENTA had to defend the briefcase to keep himself occupied. This has led to a pretty interesting situation, where the dumb ugly red briefcase is now more prestigious than the dumb ugly red belt. KENTA’s been defending that shit against all comers, some serious overachieving there.
Now, KENTA was originally supposed to challenge Jon Moxley for the United States title. Since Mox couldn’t be here, KENTA was supposed to defend his briefcase against US title stalwart Juice Robinson. Since JUICE couldn’t be here, here’s Satoshi Kojima. Juice pinned KENTA during G1 to set him up as backup, but he got injured last month. And look, I love Kojima as much as the next guy, but this match is 100% something we’re doing just to do. We gotta get KENTA on the card, and we’d be one match short otherwise, so uhhhhhh sure get Kojima on here.
Context aside, KENTA vs. Kojima is a much better match than it sounds on paper. KENTA’s obnoxious heel veteran layout is extremely hit or miss, but against a sweetheart like Kojima, it works. He keeps a great balance between cheating and striking, and Kojima brings a lot to the table too. Koji’s an old titan, an endearing dad everybody loves, so when KENTA bullies him and his friend Tenzan, it’s effective. Also effective is KENTA’s garbage quasi-Kenoh hairdo, which adds so much to his dickhead vibe. In a great spot, KENTA teases a Briefcase Smash and Koji knocks it out of his hands with a lariat. Kojima FIGHTING SPIRITS out of a GTS attempt, but KENTA’s able to out-strike him and put him away for good. Simple, effective, cool. Now let’s see if we can Mox to defend that belt before next year…
SLIGHT POP: Wrath-O-Khan
A big running theme throughout Wrestle Kingdom is the rise of Will Ospreay’s newest faction, The Empire. The first of the three Empire matches pits the returning Great-O-Khan against the Ace, Hiroshi Tanahashi. I’ve heard complaints about using Tanahashi in a singles match with an unproven O-Khan, and I see where that comes from. I haven’t been impressed with O-Khan yet either, and yeah, I’ll admit this isn’t that exciting. That said, come the fuck on, it’s Tanahashi. This dude’s been grinding since before I was born. His knees are made of tissue paper and they’re held up by duct-tape and faith. Do we really need him to keep delivering classics at this stage? Can’t we just let him wrestle the newbie in the middle of the show, maybe take it easy?
Though he’s got a lot going for him, O-Khan still doesn’t quite have the presentation down pat for me. His theme song bangs, the taped hand is dope and the question mark mask is money, but the gear could use some work. He keeps Tana fighting from underneath with some unique offense and some less unique offense. Like yeah, a scoop slam on the ramp probably hurts like a bitch, but it’s also really boring. Match is more or less what you’d expect: O-Khan screams, beats Tana up, targets the knee every blue moon. What’s good here is that, as much as the crowd loves him, even Tana’s comebacks feel handicapped. Even on top, you see him struggling. Practically every second after the opening minute, he’s limping and sucking air. There’s a real desperation to everything Tana does, which helps O-Khan look almost unstoppable.
Until the finish, that is! O-Khan brings a chair into the ring and teases the Eliminator slam, but Tana fights back. Tana picks the chair up, perhaps his only shot at winning, and he tosses it aside. This is a great way to set-up Tana’s downfall, losing to O-Khan after choosing to do things the right way… and then Tana hits a couple moves and wins. Yeah, that’s it. I don’t think O-Khan HAD to win this match, and hey, a Tana win is always nice, but it really feels like we skipped the whole finishing stretch here. Tanahashi chooses to overcome O-Khan on his terms, to fight him through sheer will, and then he wins immediately. No struggle, brother just hulks up and does it. Sure, fine.
POP, SOMEHOW: Empire Strikes First
Okay, Will Ospreay vs. Kazuchika Okada. Hoo-boy. I cannot stress the disconnect between what this match should be and what this match actually is. To people who don’t watch New Japan, this is the certified barn-burner. Kazuchika Okada and Will Ospreay. The best of the best, what’s not to love? And hey, sure, there was a period where both men had a legitimate claim to the title of “best in the world”. A period long, long, long past. Kazuchika Okada, aside from last year’s Wrestle Kingdom, hasn’t been “best in the world” caliber for quite a while. Your cutoff may vary, but my man’s had MAYBE two good matches between February 2020 and now, and one of them was against Shingo Takagi. His New Japan Cup sucked dick, his G1 Climax sucked dick, and every Yujiro Takahashi-related detour in-between sucked dick.
And then, there’s Will Ospreay. The Commonwealth Kingpin. Billy Goat. Slick Billy With the Big Willy. In a way, Will Ospreay has now become the man people thought he was. Remember last year, when twitter hoes called Will Ospreay an annoying spot monkey who structured all his matches around him? They weren’t wrong, they were just a year early. I don’t know if it’s been ring rust, ego, or just a misfire, but Ospreay’s work since returning has been abysmal. An offensively bad G1 tournament, including a Worst Match of the Year Candidate with Jay White, and an absolute mess of a heel turn. What’s the story here? That Okada was holding Ospreay back? That Ospreay was using Okada to prop himself up? I don’t know, and neither do they. The two worst G1s (aside from Yujiro, of course) managing to mess up a sure thing. Here goes nothing.
Anyways, Ospreay has a new theme song! Doesn’t really fit with the whole “heel faction leader” vibe, and it kinda sounds like 2015 NJPW BGM. There’s a bit of aggressiveness from both guys early on (Okada hits a tope, even) and I’m very grateful they don’t spend the first half fucking around. Okada and Ospreay consistently target each other’s neck for 15 minutes, which, although unexciting, is pretty competent by recent standards. I’ll give them some credit; they do manage to sell this like they’re trying to kick each other’s ass. Again, by their standards, some real direction is a HUGE plus. Ospreay has Okada beaten via count-out after a suplex through a table, but he brings Okada in and powerbombs the utter shit out of him. Okada then tombstones Ospreay on the apron and, in a neat moment, drags him back in for a short-arm clothesline.
Now begins the Money Clip portion of the match. Okada has been beating people with this move since The Reset, and the story is that he’ll have to go back to the Rainmaker to win. Ospreay gets to the ropes, which mercifully ends the Money Clip section… and Okada stomps Will out. He stands over Ospreay, bullies him. For the first time since maybe last January, Okada shows emotion. I don’t know how, but this match is kinda working. Ospreay gets back on offense and starts beating the shit out of Okada, and it kinda works. Man, now I feel like an asshole! 35 minutes into this, Ospreay hits a Rainmaker. Okada goes “okay, fine”, hits a Rainmaker himself and… wins. Huh. Just like that, Okada goes over your brand-new faction leader. This wasn’t the masterstroke I’m sure some people expected, but it wasn’t the mess I expected either.
Strap in, you’re gonna be seeing these two wrestle a lot in the coming years. For better or for worse.
POP: The Living Daylights
BOTCH: The Various Rules and Regulations for Properly Executing Your Finishing Maneuver
And now, the Wrestle Kingdom Night 1 Main Event. Last year, Tetsuya Naito reached the apex and left Wrestle Kingdom with double gold, though an attack from KENTA kept him from reaching his happy ending. Since then, Kota Ibushi made history by making his third G1 Climax final in three years and winning for the second year in a row. Then he made history again by losing his WK briefcase to Jay White. Dumbass. “Hold on a minute”, I hear you asking, “if Kota lost, what is he doing here?” Great question! If Kota lost his right to challenge Tetsuya Naito, why is he challenging Tetsuya Naito? You see, dear reader, New Japan was faced with the conundrum of booking two nights at the Tokyo Dome. Obviously, Tetsuya Naito vs. the briefcase holder would main event one night, but what about the other?
Well, we used to have an Intercontinental Championship, a title used specifically to headline shows. And we got rid of it as soon as the Dome became two nights. We’re not very smart. So, in true New Japan fashion, we must now come up with the stupidest, most contrived way to get two main events. Kota Ibushi lost the G1 briefcase to Jay White, a shocking twist that turned an old trope on its head, and New Japan proceeded to negate that by giving Kota a title match anyway. The winner of this match wrestles Jay White for the belts tomorrow. Which begs the question, “what the fuck is the point of making people defend the G1 briefcase if there’s no consequence for losing it”. Follow-up question, “WHY DID WE GET RID OF THE ONLY OTHER BELT THAT COULD MAIN EVENT SHOWS”
So New Japan has no clue how to book a two-night Dome, but who cares? We’re getting Kota Ibushi vs. Tetsuya Naito, IWGP double gold, Wrestle Kingdom main event. I’m the biggest idiot I know and even I can’t complain about that. These guys are known for killing each other every time they meet; no matter how we got here, this should be the fireworks factory. They tease doing the routine IWGP slow drag at the start, but they head outside and dump each other on their heads before long. Naito keeps pressure on Ibushi’s neck for five more minutes, and they head outside again. Back in, more work on the neck. Luckily, Naito’s focused offense keeps the early stretch from feeling like a time-killer until we get to the cool stuff. Kota’s selling is uncharacteristically great here, too, his flailing around really had me worried for a second.
We get the first truly big spot about 20 minutes in (10 more than necessary, but I know how New Japan likes to book this stuff) with an insane Frankensteiner off the apron. Naito says “ah yeah?” and hits an Avalanche Poison ‘Rana. It’s horrifying. Despite just taking an avalanche poison rana, Kota gets up immediately, kicks Naito in the head and prepares the Kamigoye. Since we got about 25 more minutes to go, Naito dodges and hits the running Destino for a nearfall. As we know, a running Destino hurts less than the non-running variant. I don’t get it, either. After the obligatory strike exchange, Kota gets a sudden Kamigoye off a powerbomb for another nearfall. Yeah, see, Kota’s finisher also has a weird asterisk: it doesn’t hurt if he’s wearing kneepads! I’d ask why he even wears kneepads in the first place, but who cares.
Kota heads up top and misses a Phoenix Splash, which is classic Kota. The “missing” part, I mean, not the “Phoenix Splash” one. Naito sees an opening and hits ANOTHER running Destino, and Kota kicks out again, and did we seriously just do the running Destino nearfall twice. Naito realizes he apparently can’t beat Kota until he stands perfectly still, so he sets up the regular Destino, but Kota gets back in control. Another Kamigoye with the kneepad, ANOTHER KICKOUT. These guys are just fucking with me at this point. Kota finally takes the hint, brings the kneepad down and, after one last reversal sequence, nails Naito with the Kamigoye. 1, 2, 3. The Golden Star takes it. Kota tries to pin Naito again after the match, incredulous. This match was neither the classic nor the car crash I expected, but that’s not what it’ll be remembered for.
Ultimately, Tetsuya Naito didn’t get his roll call. He didn’t get his moment of triumph at the Dome. He didn’t close out Wrestle Kingdom with a packed house screaming in unison. But he carried New Japan through very dark days, and he lost those titles to the only man he should’ve lost them to. As the former Wrestle Kingdom nearly man falls, the new one takes his throne. Kota Ibushi is at the top of the world.
At least until Jay beats him tomorrow.
