Image: AEW/TNT

Pops & Botches: “!!BROADWAY!!” AEW Dynamite – 10.21.2020

 

Welcome back to P&BAEWDynmt(ONTNT)! Tonight we’ve got Jon Moxley, a 4-team tag team battle, and the first round of the number one contender tournament!

(Author’s note: I have overbooked myself and am simultaneously writing this blog along with taking notes for a podcast tomorrow, on David Foster Wallace’s article “Big Red Son”, documenting the 1998 AVN adult film awards. If at any point the hard hitting action is interrupted by the consequences of pornography on the national psyche at large…my bad. Listen to I Hate Infinite Podcast if you’re somehow into pro-wrestling and super-hipster literature).

POP: “Athletic Big Men Sell Tickets”

Starting off the #1 contender tournament, we have Jenna Jameson, a blonde striking enough to make you question the fundamentals of existence, and if your mother could ever truly love you as much in a lifetime as a professional sexpert could in an afternoon…

…sorry, the “Big Men” thing threw me off…

We start off with Wardlow vs. Jungle Jack Perry Boy!

First, I’ve always been curious: who put Wardlow in that ridiculous singlet? At 6’2″ he’s one of the taller guys in the company. This isn’t like WWE where 6 foot Kurt Angle looks like a child next to the bigger stars, Wardlow towers over many AEW competitors. Yet he’s put in a singlet that makes him look small even next to 5’10” 74 pounds soaking wet Jungle Boy Jack Perry. I’ve never understood the singlet and the sooner they get rid of it the better, unless he’s covering up, MVP style, some horrible tattoo of Miss Piggy in dominatrix gear.

The match itself is like most of the first round; entertaining, but unsurprising. Both guys look great with Jungle’s fast-paced flying working well with Wardlow’s powerhouse offense. Jungle gets the momentum with speed, before being ground down with mid-air catches and getting chucked like a frisbee. Wardlow gets the W to the surprise of no one (maybe Jungle Boy’s immediate family) and moves to the next round. But not before JR channels his favorite former employer billionaire declaring, “Athletic Big Men Sell Tickets”. Unless they get over when they’re not supposed to…

Eddie Kingston Overrun

We get the overrun from last week’s finale promo by Eddie Kingston and see we missed some of the best lines of the promo. That Moxley had promised him (when he signed to WWE) they were taking over, NWO style. That the inmates would be running the asylum. Only to leave his boys behind and sell out to the big man in the too small suit. He then forces the barely conscious post-beatdown Moxley to stare at the AEW belt, because it will be leaving him soon.

He follows up with more this week in a backstage interview, with Kingston saying he actually kinda hates himself. That he’s hated what he’s become. But until he became a snake, he got nothing for his troubles. Now he gets what he wants by playing cutthroat, like their upcoming I Quit match at Full Gear.

I can’t add anymore than I’ve said in past articles: Eddie Kingston, stable leader and world champion, please. He has a hell of a heel champion run waiting for him, and whoever gets past his goons and dethrones him is going to be a got-damm superstar instantly.

Kenny Omega, SINGLES STAR!!!

Holy shit I love everything about Kenny’s over the top re-introduction to singles action.  Beginning with an overloaded introduction that begins with his Wrestling Observer star ratings, middling with dancing sexy ladies with “Cleaner” brooms, and culminating in some cheap pyro, singles Kenny is back! The announce team tells us Joey Janela was unfortunately exposed to Covid and has given his spot up to Sonny Kiss, as the most obvious human sacrifice since Isaac. The bell rings, they bow to each other, Kenny immediately hits a One-Winged Angel and gets the pin on Sonny, helping Sonny back up and embracing him. What a guy! I for one am happy to embrace our new singles star overlord.

Cody is putting on weight

No, seriously, that’s the point of the segment. He put on weight because it’s time he compete as a heavyweight.  This is a surprising import of New Japan where guys will conspicuously declare themselves to be leveling up in order to compete at the heavyweight level (that I don’t believe is actually monitored as closely as indicated) and come back with a new heavyweight style. No doubt Arn will be training him day and night at his specialty: appearing to be 45 no matter your true age. Thick middle, thick chest, the only place a wrestler should be thin is thinning is at the hairline. In other words: Jericho body. Nothing screams “Champion” like the beer belly brawler physique of the Ric Flairs and Dusty Rhodeses and Terry Funkeseses.

Hermano vs. Hermano

Next we have brother vs. brother (in case you failed Spanish AND never watched Arrested Development), Rey Fenix vs. Pentagon Jr. in the first round with the winner to take on Kenny Omega in the next round. Eddie Kingston is out for commentary to…commentate…on his two proteges going toe-to-toe. The two brothers obviously know each other inside and out and we get some great lucha action. Early match formalities of respect and familial love immediately devolve into brightly-colored-spandex-fratricide as Rey flips and spins and jumps and Penta kicks and chops and yanks his flippy-lil-bro to the canvas.

With Wardlow vs. Jungle Jack, Omega vs. Kiss, and Hangman Page vs. Colt Cabana, this serves as the only first round match with any doubt between the two.  The two brothers are both riding on the same track at the moment and it’s hard to root for one over the other. They’ve both been sidetracked (though incredibly entertainingly) into the Eddie Kingston, Butchey Bladey stable shenanigans. So, aside from their vastly different styles, they’re really interchangeable in the greater scheme of things currently. It’s WAY too soon to tear apart the beautiful work of the Kingston family for either of these too.

That said, the match is f*****ing great. They show not only the knowledge of family, but that special level of brutality you can only see between brotherly violence. The pop-up somersault into a power bomb from Penta to Fenix is going to be on every “Moves that made me ejaculate my pants” compilation set to shitty Walmart rock til the end of time. Rey wraps it up with a Canadian (Mexican?) ((ONANian?)) destroyer and takes the win over Penta.

Our first semifinal round is set. Rey Fenix vs. SIX STAR SINGLES STAR OF THE GODS KENNY OMEGA. I suppose there’s some chance that AEW pulls a fast one here, but it seems written in the (6) stars (in the Tokyo Dome) that Hangman and Omega, erstwhile friends and possible lovers (because Kenny CAN NOT DISTINGUISH ROMANTIC LOVE FROM TAG TEAM CAMRADERY. IT’S A MEDICAL CONDITION) go head-to-head in here. Regardless, it’s a fun tournament and realistic in the “They’re a wrestling league, it’s not always even, and the #1 Patriots are gonna play the “”Maybe we should give soccer a try?”” Cleveland Browns every now and again” way.

Hangman Adam Page vs. Colt Cabana

Despite being on the outs with his cult, Evil Uno is out there to support. Good to see middle management is willing to go to bat for their guys still.

This match is a perfect example of where the Pops and Botches format breaks down. It is both and neither. Pop nor Botch. Part is due to the foregone story conclusion that Hangman is advancing. It’s just a story beat that has to happen. We know Bruce Lee is going to fight the final boss, but he’s gotta prove himself on a few scrubs at first. Not every beat of the story is gonna be thrilling. And that’s fine.

There’s still good stuff here. This is one of the few singles Dynamite showings I’ve seen of Colt (who’s mostly been relegated to tag work), but his jokey comedy style works surprisingly well against Hangman. We even get a pretty sick bump on the apron. But eventually, hilariously recoiling from the Buckshot Lariat stops working and the inevitable happens. The Dark Order cleans up the pile of Colt left behind, and Hangman is on to face Wardlow next week.

TEAM TAZ

Taz (charitably shot from a lower angle to appear taller than a garden gnome) is out to complain about Will Hobbs not accepting their offer yet. Rick Starks has some words for Darby, two of them predictably being “little bitch”.

I’ve Heard of Wrestling Broadways, But This Is Something Else

MJF, living true to his Natural-Born-Heel demeanor, orders his steak WELL-DONE. Move over Gorgeous George, we’ve got a new all-timer bad guy. Jericho orders the same order medium-well. MJF changes his order to medium. Jericho takes a lowblow and goes medium rare before MJF takes it to rare. And I am in my small apartment yelling “Boo! YEA!” like a small child watching Roman and Undertaker exchanging big punches.

Jericho looks pretty great in a bow tie. No further comment.

Next week we’ll have an Inner Circle town hall to further discuss MJF joining.

Wait….no…HOLY SHIT THEY’RE SINGING. LAST WEEK I LITERALLY ASKED FOR A MUSICAL EPISODE. AM I GOD NOW? GUYS, I THINK I’M GOD.

BEHOLD THE GREATEST SEGMENT IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT

I have nothing to add. Except…could we maybe do a black and white noire throwback next week, like that one weird Boy Meets World episode? (If this happens, consider it the 2nd of my miracles.)

Britt Baker DMD

We’ve got Britt Baker in the biggest death slot since the match following Undertaker losing the streak. The whole world is humming the previous segment’s melody like it’s the ending of Bill and Ted 3. Britt Baker beats the scrub whose name I could not remember. Next.

Fearsome Foursome

The Bunny is back with Butcher and the Blade. Good for them.

The Young Bucks make it to the ring without assaulting a NPC, which is a breath of fresh air. They had so many fines, they had to cut their tassle budget in half.

Rounding out the match is Private Party and Dark Order Junk Drawer (Silver and Reynolds).

Marq Quen continues to impress with a flurry of impressive offense. For some reason this AEW Twitter clip only includes the “dropkick” portion of that offense, but hey, fundamentals are important, and you don’t get more wrestling fundamentals than dropkicks.

John Silver is the MVP for this match, bouncing like a pinball and chaining offense like half-sized bearded Cesaro. Hey @MountainDew ! Just saying, you could do far worse in a spokesman.

The match culminates in the Youngest Bucks winning on a pinfall reversal from Private Party to be your new #1 contenders. All hell breaks loose as the time keeper enters the ring and cracks one of the Bucks in the backs with a chair. FTR leave their commentary perch and attack like vultures. The time keeper reveals to be Tully Blanchard getting his hands dirty for his boys! They do the classic southern wrestling spot of tying the Bucks foot up in a chair for a jumping stomp, no doubt shattering his leg in 47 places and making their chances at winning at Full Gear look pretty nil.

So the stage is set! The Young Bucks have 2 weeks to heal up for their long awaited FTR match! Kenny Omega and Hangman Page are on a collision course to emotional heart PTSD! And Jericho and MJF will have an Inner Circle Town Hall next week and decide to form a private eye service together, thus solidifying my predictive skills as more impressive than the secrets of Fatima.

See ya next week!

Listen to I Hate Infinite Jest Podcast, follow @JesseDraham, and look out for my comedy stuff wherever quality comedy products are given away for free because that’s how modern entertainment works!