What Happened Last Week On Raw
Useless Tag Matches, The Hurt Business was the only good part of the show, Asuka and Mickie had a match that ended because reasons, Seth Rollins beat Dominik in a Steel Cage Match and Dom’s sister showed she had human emotions which will definitely not have any residual effects, Retribution did Retribution like things and this angle obviously can’t get any worse right… right?
I have been sitting here for roughly two hours now. Not in what you would call any sort of physical pain, but there is a form of hurt happening. My brain, is still processing what I just witnessed. I am going to do my best to put into words what happened on the September 21st edition of Monday Night Raw, because if I don’t then after this paragraph would just be a review filled with Tracy Morgan “NOPE” gifs and that’s just not fair to you now is it?
So without further stalling, I now present to you not a Pops & Botches of Raw, as to say there was any real Pops would just be blatantly lying. Allow me to welcome you to the very first edition of The Raw Rambling!
Retribution: They Aren’t Who We Thought They Were, Put a Hook in Them, They’re Done
So let’s just dive right in shall we? Last week you could say I was mildly upset we ended the show with all of Retribution laid out and no one was revealed to be whom we already know who they to be. So we start off tonights episode right into the opening video getting glitchly (Stupid Hacker) and Retribution showing up, well at least five of them do.
Each of them has been given a new special mask to wear that makes them look like a band trying to pretend they aren’t ripping off Mushroomhead. Totally not Mia Yim and Definately not Dominik Dijakovic get of the micraphone to tell us that they are here to cause trouble, even though it seems their group numbers have done the opposite of double.
The jist if you will, is that FOR SOME REASON not only has WWE now given this group of people who were, i guess, illegally tresspassing on their property contracts. They themselves SIGNED the contracts so that they could specifically yell at the people who work there, FOR HAVING CONTRACTS? BECAUSE MONEY?
ALL OF YOU ALREADY WORK HERE. TALL GUY IN THE BACK WAS ON THIS EXACT SHOW FOR MONTHS. YOU ARE LITERALLY IN AN ACKNOWLEDGED RELATIONSHIP WITH THE GUY YOU ALL JUST ATTACKED LAST WEEK. JUST STOP.
This made more sense when I thought Terry Bradshaw was in charge of the group. Ya’ll are even dragging down my ability to enjoy The Hurt Business. Just go away please.
RAW Tag Team’s don’t matter, and in about 30 Seconds, My brain will no longer even be matter.
Well now that that angle is over for the rest of the show and absolutely won’t somehow even seem worse later this evening, we move onto a fresh new matchup for the Tag Titles at Clash of the Champions of The Street Profits versus [checks] Andrade and Garza…
To set that up, we were treated to a triple threat tag match of the aformentioned duo who I’m pretty sure split last weekend, a leader and a follower who have had their issues, and a team of two people who’ve never teamed before. Wow the tag division over here is just great guys.
Rollins walks out on Murphy for reasons that I so wish I wouldn’t later find out, and Zelina Vega’s former team wins more matches tonight than I’ve seen them win in a long time honestly, so maybe she was the problem?
HGR PET PEEVE: Segments that have literally no point beyond telling you things are happening later that you ALREADY KNEW WERE HAPPENING.
I mentioned last week my dislike for overused authority figures. Now let’s talk about another thing I hate.
Wasting time. Three hour RAW does that a LOT, just mind numbingly putting stuff out there to either tell you about what literally just happened, or to tell you what’s about to happen. Guys we watch the show you don’t need to tell me what’s coming up next, just DO IT.
I’m speaking in regards specifically to the KO Show segment with Shane as a guest. A segment that sadly didn’t end with Kevin Owens just punching Shane McMahon in the face for the rest of Raw for making his and many Smackdown viewers lives miserable for I don’t even know how long.
This brings out Dabba-Kato and eventually Braun Strowman to scream at each other only for Shane to make them wait till RAW Underground because apparently that’s a completely different show than this and isn’t.. you know what whatever.
Mostly I’m just upset because “Babatunde” is a much cooler name than Dabba-Kato and also stop telling me people are Seven Feet tall when they are clearly Six Foot Eight.
More Good Hoss Fighting FOR NO REASON.
Stop doing this.
Whatever this thing is, where you have two guys, McIntyre and Lee respectively, that you clearly don’t want either to lose a match, and still have a match. Why do you constantly book things for no reason? What is the point of these two dudes throwing hambones at each other for almost ten minutes if Randy Orton is just going to come out and throw the match out?
I can’t even listen to this Orton promo because just the sheer idea of this feud that I was enjoying is being watered down with repetitive nonsense. Will he or won’t he wrestle at the show? Who cares? That’s not how match contracts work. Either book him or don’t, or just make it up as you go along like I know you’re going to.
Sad Kana Noises
I don’t want to disparage anyone else that’s currently involved in and around the Women’s title match coming up or feud, I just want to talk about the perception of the Empress, the reigning Women’s Champion Asuka.
If you didn’t watch her in NXT, or don’t remember. It’s not that she’s just really good at this pro wrestling thing. It’s that she was literally unbeatable for 914 days. And now she’s just, uh I guess another person on the roster? Someone who goes head to head with Peyton Royce and gets smacked in the face by the Fake Movie AJ Lee and doesn’t immediately rip her arm off and beat her to death with it?
Besides the Tag division, if there is one thing WWE needs a Draft for is to freshen up their women’s division. You have Two singles and a tag champions that basically have no real challengers because in a certain old mans mind all three divisions are on the shelf until Charlotte “Roman “John Cena” Reigns” Flair comes back.
I harp a lot in our discord (come hang out) about the most upsetting thing about WWE’s failings is how absolutely stakkkkked to the gills their entire roster is. It’s not just the male roster, they have so much female talent, but they just don’t let any of it breathe.
At least Bianca Belaire is getting video packages I guess.
Wait, How the hell was RAW Underground not even the 2nd worst part of RAW?
We have returned to the pit that is officially bottomless, the forever tumbling rabbit hole that is the Rey Mysterio and Seth Rollins feud.
Somber and sincere Seth Rollins is out here to inform us that he, through connections or whatever, has somehow gotten the results of a DNA test simply because he doesn’t understand that at some point in Rey’s family tree someone wasn’t really short. There goes that Ancestry.com sponsorship I guess.
But alas, it was all A RUSE! You fell hook line and sinker into the Messiah’s trap, it was me Austin! It was- ope sorry about that.
Anyways, one bad Maury Povich joke later and what we’ve come to find is that it’s not Dominick who Seth questions the genetics of, but instead Rey’s other kid! Yes his daughter Aaliyah, you see last week after his cage match and assault of Murphy, the young lady Mysterio happened to take like I don’t know, half a second, to check on Murphy before entering the cage.
All of this is really stupid, especially when you consider the obvious angle they could be leaning towards and realize Aaliyah is like 19 and Murphy is 31. Gross. Stop it right now.
But as we have learned over the past few months, yes months of this angle. Rey Mysterio is really dumb, and does and says dumb things, which in turn upset his daughter and cause her to leave, which causes her mother to go after her, and Rey to follow, and oh my god what the hell is Dom wearing..
To make this akward and dumb segment more awkward, and more dumb. Seth Rollins then talks to himself for a bit and apologizes because I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING ANYMORE.
NOT ONLY DID YOU MAKE ME WATCH ANOTHER LANA MATCH, YOU THEN MADE ME WATCH RAY (VIKING ERIK) ROWE LOSE TO RIDDICK %#@$&%$ MOSS IN YOUR STUPID UNDERGROUND CRAP?
Shayna Baszler and Ruby Riot are so much better than this. You know what? LIV AND NIA ARE BETTER THAN THIS. Stop it. I will once again bring up the fact you have countless talented people in the back, I don’t care what color their hair is, just put them on TV and let them wrestle even if it’s for only a couple minutes.
STOP MAKING ME WATCH LANA AND NATALYA MATCHES.
Why are we pushing Riddick Moss as some tough dude? Are we pushing him? Does Raw Underground matter? Are there title belts? Do the wins there count on Raw? Does Raw itself care about wins and losses? Have I put more thought into this typing randomly just now than the people who’ve been writing the segments for weeks going have? Do you even realize that Peyton Royce now has a win over Asuka? Why did we build up Dabbo-Kota just for him to lose right away? Is there ever going to be a point to this?
R-Et Tu-Bution?
- SLAPJACK. T-BAR. MACE.
- T-BAR. MACE. SLAPJACK.
- MACE. SLAPJACK. T-BAR.
[inhale] I just..
I’m honestly going to skip over a bit here, because most of it is a “you have to see it with your own eyes” level of bad. First off I’d like to talk about the logistics of tag matches.
You can break up a submission that your teammate is currently in, it’s allowed. The ref will give you to the count of five to get back to your corner, and at his discretion can potentially disqualify your team from the match.
However, as we have seen over the past many years now, WWE just doesn’t care, and their refs have seemingly stopped caring as well. So they just stop women’s championship matches because REASONS and now also stop six man tag main events because I DON’T KNOW GUYS I REALLY DON’T.
My main questions regard the actual identities of the main group now. More so in the line of say, does Mia Yim exist in any WWE/NXT Universe anymore? Or should I just call her BAYONET from now on?
And I know I ask this about RAW a lot and I’m starting to figure something out. There is no actual point. They are starting stories they not only don’t have an end too, they haven’t even REACHED the middle of any sort of cohesive idea.
It’s just some crazy old man sitting in his chair rambling too himself incoherelty about who should fake fight this person today because yesterday is over and tomorrows not here yet.
Wait a minute. Old guy in a chair. Writing about wrestling..
If you somehow enjoyed Raw, Enjoyed this Column, or just enjoy life in general, give this a share. If you have any mercy please tell my boss this wasn’t very good so he doesn’t make me do it again, feel free to leave a comment below or stop over on SRP’s Discord.
Mostly tho..
